Captain N: The Game Master

Season 3







Original air date:
Saturday, November 9, 1991

Across the vastness of Videoland, on the magical world of Hyrule, years have passed since the fall of the evil wizard, Ganon, and peace reigned throughout the land.

Children were playing in the streets. Their parents were idly talking, enjoying the day. The wind picked up the pink dandelion seeds and danced them everywhere...

Until one dark day, rumors spread that the evil Ganon would rise again...

"Ha! Do-HaHa! Do-Ha! Do-Ha! Do-Ha!"
Heads turned everywhere. The ugly blue faces of moblins sent everyone cascading and scrambling for the safety of their homes. Mothers scrambled to gather their children. Windows were slammed shut. Doors closed. Fathers barred the doors.
The moblins waltzed right through town. "Do-Ha! Do-Ha! Do-HaHa! Do-Ha! Do-Ha! Do-Ha!"

Meanwhile, at the Palace of Power...

"Arf, arf, arf!"
Gameboy exited a warp. "Begin exercise maneuvers." Gameboy monotonely said. He disappeared around the column the warp was in just before Duke came out.
Gameboy came back around the column and tagged Duke on the head with a green screen-stretched hand. "Prepare to revert game action." He flew back through the warp, followed by Duke.
Their antics went unnoticed by the Conference room's third occupant: Simon Belmont, reading a magazine (with him kissing a reflection of himself on the cover) entitled "True Love".
The video screen overlooking the long table Simon was sitting at flared to life. "Hyrule calling the Palace of Power."
Simon looked up from his magazine at the voice's blonde-haired owner's static marred image.
"We are in need of a hero."
This was too good a chance for Simon to pass up. He stood, "Simon Belmont, Vampire Hunter, at your service, Your Loveliness. Not only am I tall, blond, and handsome, I'm quick on the draw,..." He let go of his magazine and pulled out his whip. Slashing it into the air, the magazine was quickly nothing but shreds and a folding silhouette of his head. He then switched from destroying the magazine to using the whip as a jump rope. "...light on my feet...yaiiii!"
A warp had suddenly opened behind Simon, and Duke and Gameboy came barreling out, sending the vampire hunter flying through the air to land in a potted plant.
The beautiful blonde on the staticy video screen laughed. "Very impressive, Hero Belmont. But, actually, I was looking for Captain N."
A door off to one side opened, letting two brunettes step over its threshold.
"Did somebody call my name?" One look at the screen told him: yes. "Oh, wow! You're Princess - "
"Zelda!" Lana exclaimed, unintentionally finishing Kevin's sentence. "Is something wrong?"
"Nothing we can't handle, Lana," Zelda said with a smile that comes only with years of friendship, "with a little help from your Captain N."
Pleased to Dickens, Kevin bowed. "I live to help beautiful princesses."
Crossing her arms, Lana mock-frowned. "You never bow like that for me."
Kevin turned and bowed to Lana. "By your leave, Your Highness."
Lana lost the frown. She couldn't help but laugh at Kevin's sudden chivalry. "Be off with you, my captain. But be home in time for dinner."
Gameboy and Duke entered through the door Kevin and Lana had left open.
"Program in place to inspect new environment." Gameboy monotoned.
"Okay, Gameboy, you can go. Don't blow a microchip." Kevin said with a grin.
"Aru arf." Duke placed a leg on Kevin's leg.
"Aw, not this time, fella." Kevin said to Duke. "Someone has to help Lana hold down the fort."
"Aru." Duke said sadly as Kevin knelt down to pet him.
"Yow!" Simon had finally worked his way out of the plant. "Yes, some of us have more important things to do than running off to play hero."
"Simon," Lana pointed to the now-mangled flora, "what're you doing in that plant?"
Smiling sheepishly like someone caught in the act of something bad, Simon began yanking the leaves. "Uh, pruning the leaves, of course." He continued yanking the leaves off.
Lana turned and faced Kevin, her face extremely serious. "Kevin, Hyrule is an exciting world, but it's also dangerous." Her voice seemed to speak from experience more than rumor or simple book lessons. "Please, be careful."
"Aren't I always?" He saluted her.

"This is awesome! Me...meeting my favorite video hero!"
Kevin and Link approached each other. They shook hands.
With maybe more than his fair share of awe, Kevin managed to say "You're a real video legend where I come from, Link." But then his eyes caught sight of something. "Hey, what happened to your leg?"
A white bandage was securely wrapped around Link's upper-left leg. "Aw, it's nothing." He seemed to take it in stride. "Pulled a muscle dodging boomerangs. Goes with the territory, you know."
Kevin nodded. "Yeah." He could certainly understand something like that.
Link pointed. "So, Captain N, is this the famous Zapper I've heard so much about?"
Pride displayed on his face, Kevin pulled out the orange Zapper and twirled it. "The one and only. But hey, call me Kevin. All my friends do."
"Erm Hmmmm!" Princess Zelda stood from her seat in the courtyard. "You two heroes can pat yourselves on the back some other time. We have important business."
"Oh, yeah, right, Ganon." Link didn't sound too happy to switch to that subject.
"Ganon?" Kevin looked at Link with more than a hint of horror on his face. "I thought you wiped him out for good."
"So did I." Link frowned. "But we just heard a rumor that someone's trying to bring him back."
They both turned to face Zelda.
"Wow." Kevin's voice lowered, thinking of the seriousness of the situation. "You got any clues?"
Zelda eagle-eyed Kevin. "Only one: that they're searching for a magic potion that will restore his power. We've gotta find it first."
"Of course, I don't really need help." Link boasted. "But Zelda insisted." He drew his sword, demonstrating his skill at swinging it with pinpoint accuracy. "Mnnn! Ah!"
"Link," Zelda chided, "you know Ganon's creatures have vowed to get revenge on you for defeating their master."

"This is perfect!" Mother Brain sadistically gleamed, looking into the viewer on the wall of her lair. "I couldn't have planned it better myself. Those two idiots of mine won't have to search for the Potion of Power. Captain Nice Guy will lead them right to it." Rubbing her two long tentacles together, Mother Brain turned back to the viewer, switching the roterswitch on the wall.

King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard were up to their armpits in swamp water.
"Aw, this is what I get for following your stupid directions. I'm gettin' water logged!" Hippo complained to his companion.
Raising green fingers from the swamp water, Eggy, with a frog sitting on his head, said "W-well, so what? Look at my fingers. They're all pickled."
"I didn't send you fish-heads to Hyrule to have a pool party!"
Hippo and Eggy looked up. The image of Mother Brain's face appeared before them over the swamp.
"Mother Brain!" they both exclaimed.
"You were expecting Donkey Kong? Where's my Potion of Power to wake up Ganon?"
Eggy spoke: "Well, uh, - "
"Nevermind!" Mother Brain cut off Eggy. "Just get over to Rauru Town and follow Captain N. Get me that potion, or your names are 'Mud'!" Mother Brain's visage disappeared.
Hippo and Eggplant continued staring at where Mother Brain's face had been. Their vision suddenly was interrupted by a large watersnake raising its head.
"Yaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!" As fast as their feet would take them, they were out of the swamp.

The streets were empty. As if to emphasize this, a garbage can blew over, spilling its contents out onto the street. The spilled papers followed along mindlessly. The wind blew through, howling and picking up dust.
"Where is everybody?" Kevin asked.
Sharp clicks of a woman's footsteps echoed down the alleys and streets.
"Human person sighted." Gameboy chirped.
Zelda dashed over, followed by the other three. "Excuse me."
The blonde woman spun around, almost dropping her armful of clothing, giving a piercing shriek. "Ahh!"
"Don't be afraid." Zelda said. "We just need your help finding the Potion of Power."
Not recognizing Zelda as the Princess, the woman backed off. "Please. I know nothing." She spun around, dashing off. Her clicking heels vanished around a corner.
Kevin, Link, and Zelda looked at each other, then the woman shrieked again.
Immediately, they dashed around the corner.
Disguised as Hylians, King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard followed behind.
"There they go." Hippo said. "C'mon."
The woman had dropped her armful of clothing and was lying on the ground.
Towering above her was a moblin, special head-gear signifying his high rank in the moblin hierarchy. "Tell me what you know...or else."
The woman looked up. "I told you, I know nothing."
The moblin lifted his spear.
"Moblin! Release the woman!"
He turned and faced Link, flanked by Zelda, Kevin, and Gameboy. "So! We meet again, Link. Only this time you'll pay for destroying our master!"
"Human life function endangered." Gameboy moved between the prone woman and the moblin.
The moblin nodded and raised a hand, summoning another four moblins out from hiding.
The heroes stepped backwards. Link placed his right hand on his sword.
Three of the four new moblins jumped down to the ground and joined the leader.
"Mind if we even up the odds?" Kevin asked Link.
"Sure." Link replied. "Three to five sounds about right."
The moblin that remained on the roof now jumped down to attack Zelda.
Zelda raised her bow, cocked it, and released a golden energy arrow, hitting the moblin while it was still in mid-air.
The blonde woman gasped, holding onto Gameboy.
In the interest of showing off, Kevin had opted to do acrobatic flips out of another moblin's way. Kevin mislanded, falling onto his back. The moblin's spear came crashing down at a blinding speed. Smacking into the pavement right next to Kevin's head, the spear was pulled back to strike again - this time with more accuracy.
The spear was raised, about to come down. It never did. The moblin suddenly reeled over backwards and blipped out of existence. Behind where the moblin had been was Gameboy with his LCD screen stretched into a hand holding a bat. The hand and weapon retracted into Gameboy's smiling face.
Kevin smiled too, but the smile vanished quickly. Kevin pulled out his Zapper, nailing the moblin that had come up behind Gameboy. Now he could finally smile.
Link was still exchanging blows with his moblin. "You look like you could use a fencing lesson." He jumped over the moblin's spear swing, landing on the other side of the moblin. Link's sword flared, destroying the moblin with its power. "Ha!" He turned and faced the last moblin, as did the other three. "Ready to try your luck?" Link asked the leader.
"Oh!" called the blonde woman, catching sight of a dorky-looking kid.
"Mother!" called out the dorky kid standing nearby.
The moblin rushed over and grabbed the dorky kid. His spear was immediately by the kid's neck. "Drop your weapons." He didn't add the 'or else' part. He laughed.
Link and Zelda glanced at each other. Their hands opened, letting their weapons fall - one with a metallic clunk, the other with a wooden clatter.
The moblin pointed at Kevin. "C'mon, you, too. Drop it."
"Here you go." Kevin tossed his Zapper at the moblin. It landed with a plastic tumble. Kevin bent down and grabbed a blanket from the blonde woman's dropped armful of clothing. "Heads up!" He tossed it at the moblin, covering him from head to ankle.
The moblin let the dorky kid go, reaching up to get the blanket off himself. "Let me out of here!"
Link obliged. He dropped to one knee, grabbed his sword, and released a bolt of energy from the sword at the moblin. The 'tossed' sword (the terminology used in The Legend of Zelda is "throwing the sword"; in Zelda II, it's called "shooting") smacked into the moblin, obliterating him.
The blonde woman finally got up off the ground. "Thank you for saving my son, kind sir." From nearly out of nowhere, she pulled out a parchment and handed it to Kevin. "Please, take this as a reward. It's a map to an ancient desert palace." She pointed out a spot on the map. "There lies a Golden Key that will unlock the Potion of Power you seek."
"Thank you, ma'am." Kevin said.
Link moved to his side and stretched a hand out. "Maybe I should take that." As if he felt he needed clarification, he added: "I know the terrain better than you do, Kevin."
"Sure, Link. I'm here to help you." He handed the map to Link.
Unseen to any in the party, two plumpy people in disguise peered out from around the corner of a building. One hippo and one veggie.

The ferocious winds blew gigantic boulders above their heads, but, strangely, next to no wind was reaching the four travelers in the desert valley.
"We're almost there." Link said. "I can see the palace up ahead."
Rumbling beneath their feet suddenly erupted into a towering Geldarm. The force of the long antlionish Geldarm's emergence sent Link, Zelda, Kevin, and Gameboy flying backwards, each landing hard, each spouting some variation of "Ouch!"
Being last to land on the hard brown dirt, Kevin whipped out his Zapper and blasted the Geldarm into non-existence.
Getting up to their collective feet, Link sneered from behind Kevin. "Nice move. Where did you learn that?"
Mistaking Link's angry sarcasm as a compliment, Kevin turned and faced him, a smile on his face. "Nah, in my high school gym class."
Realizing the sneer was lost on Kevin, Link looked down. "Right. C'mon, we'd better keep moving."
Two figures rushed out from behind a boulder.
"Let's go." Eggplant Wizard said.
A sudden unexpected gust of wind sent one rock hurtling down at them.
"Whoa! A huge rock!" King Hippo exclaimed.
"Take this!" Eggy brought his wand up and zapped the approaching boulder.
It didn't stop. But when it did hit them, it wasn't a boulder; it was a tomato of gigantic proportions. It smacked into Hippo and Eggy, covering both of them with vast amounts of instant ketchup.
"I hate tomatoes." King Hippo said.

The entrance was dark, and the narrow gorge leading up to it was dusty and depressing. One statue lay near the entrance. Perhaps it had been an Armos Knight, but its broken limbs ensured that it wouldn't be coming to life if touched.
Link sat down on a rock.
"Wh-what are we stopping for?" Kevin asked. "The game's just gettin' exciting."
Link removed his shield and shrunk it, putting it in his belt pack. "In case you haven't noticed," he sneered, "this isn't a game."
"Hey, I - I didn't mean anything - "
Link stood up. "Forget it. Let's go!" The look on his face was practically wreathing with hate. He walked through the entrance, leaving Kevin staring after him, wondering what prompted this.
The heroes went down the staircase. Link drew his sword, rushing down at the onslaught of creatures racing at them. With one slash of his sword, they were gone, with Link plowing right through where they had been. When Kevin and Zelda finally caught up with him, he was between another two monsters, destroying them with one slash of his sword.
At the end of his stroke, a hammer flew at him from the side, knocking his sword out of his hand. Kevin and Zelda rushed up to his side. He was holding his right wrist where the hammer had hit it. Kevin smoothly pulled out his Zapper and got rid of the hammer, allowing Link to get rid of the hammer's ugly owner while it was looking at its hands in astonishment over the vanished hammer.
While Link sheathed his sword, Zelda leaned over to Kevin. Link turned his head just in time to see Zelda plant a kiss on Kevin's cheek. Enraged, Link clenched his hands and grounded his teeth, then stormed away. Kevin went from inextrordinarily pleased at the kiss to inextrordinarily confused at the storming.
Kevin and Zelda had to double-time to catch up. Link was waiting for them on a large round elevator platform.
They stepped off when the elevator reached the bottom.
Suspended above a platform inside a glass container was a rather large key and an old scroll.
"There it is!" Link exclaimed.
"Golden Key! Golden Key!" Gameboy jubileed.
"Look, that parchment must tell us where to find the Potion of Power." Zelda glanced at Kevin. "So, how do we get them out of there?"
"Easy." Kevin pulled out his Zapper. "This table just needs a little remodeling."
Link held up a hand, pushing Kevin back. "Save your energy. I'll do it." With one swipe of the Magical Sword, the glass shattered, sending the key and the parchment raining to the platform. He bent down with a prideful smile and gathered up the key and parchment.
Just then, a rumbling started.
Link looked up, trying to identify the source of the rumble.
"Get back!" Kevin commanded.
No argument from Link. He stepped back immediately.
The top of the platform exploded upward in a fury, making room for a second to come up. On the rising platform was...
"Horsehead!" Link exclaimed.
"Whinny! Who dares to steal my Golden Key?" the monster asked.
Zelda stepped forward. "That key belongs to the kingdom of Hyrule."
"Whinny! Silence!" Horsehead's Morning Star whipped out, nearly decapitating Zelda, save for her quick movement.
In the same motion, Zelda pulled out her bow and launched a golden energy arrow at Horsehead, which was absorbed by his armor and did no damage.
Link took front and center, drawing his sword. "Stay back, guys!"
"I just can't stand here and watch." Kevin complained, and stepped forward.
Zelda blocked Kevin's path. "Ugh. No, Kevin. Link knows what he's doing."
Link launched himself into the air, sword above his head, as Horsehead's Morning Star passed harmlessly beneath him to where Link had been only moments before. "Aaaaahhhh!" Not exactly his usual battlecry. He came down quickly.
Horsehead's arm came up, batting Link away from him.
Kevin and Zelda gasped almost simultaneously.
"Ooooh!" Link hit the wall.
His sword spun through the air, sticking upright in the floor much too far away for him to get to.
"Wow." Gameboy said when the sword hit.
Horsehead pointed at Link. "Whinny! You are too puny and weak for Horsehead."

Will Link run out of horsepower before Captain N saves the day? Tune in next week to see how he gets the last horse-laugh on Mother Brain - on "Captain N: The Game Master"!