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The Legend of Zelda

"COLD SPELLS"


WRITTEN BY
PHIL HARNAGE

NOVELIZED BY
KELLY LEA HARRIS

EDITED AND HTMLIZED BY
MARK MOORE


Original air dates:
Friday, September 15, 1989
Friday, September 22, 1989


Link and Zelda stood in the recessed open room. It resembled something like a modern French open air restaurant. Picnic-style tables were lined up. Stone pillars helped to hold up the part of the castle overhanging the tables.
"Well," Zelda said, standing to Link's left, "it's the first day of spring. Do you know what that means, Link?"
"Sure do." Link plucked a red-and-white hicubus-like flower from the nearby tree. He handed it to Zelda. "It means love is blooming."
"Oh,...how sweet. And are you feeling strong and brave and noble?"
"You bet!" Link flexed his arms.
"Good!" Zelda bopped Link on the nose with the flower, making him squint his eyes shut. "Because it's time for spring cleaning!"
Link jerked in surprise.
"This castle needs to be scrubbed from top to bottom, and you're going to help."
Link dropped his arms, unable to believe Zelda just tricked him into chores. "Awww, Princess!"
"No argument." Zelda tossed a mop at Link. "Start mopping, my hero."
Link stared blankly at her.
"I'll come back later to see how you're doing." The Princess turned heel and walked off.
Link furred, looking at the mop. "Aw, c'mon!" He made a face before walking back to recess. "Humph, cleaning! Ha! If Zelda thinks she can order me to mop this floor, she's got another thing coming. I'll stand firm, I won't knuckle under, I'll look her right in the eye, and...I...heh, heh, heh, heh...I'll pretend to be sick..." He slumped his shoulders, continuing into the recess. "Aaaahhpewoooo!!!"
"Bless you, Link!" Spryte fluttered to a stop, hearing Link. "Are you feeling okay?" She fluttered over to Link's side.
"Oh, sure." Link said, very nasally. He wiped his nose with his sleeve. "I'm okay. I'll get my mopping done best I can...Wwaaaahhpewoooo!!!" He moved the mop back and forth, hunched over as if the very act of moving it was straining him. "Even though I have a cold."
"Oh, dear, no." Spryte flittered to Link's other side. "You must rest, Link. You sound terrible. Poor thing." She didn't notice Link's triumphant wink aside.

"What a pile of garbage." Zelda stood in Link's room, surveying the nuclear disaster it had taken the appearance of. "A pig sty! Link's quarters are disgusting!"
"Orderliness ways do not make one brave," the Triforce of Wisdom atop its pedestal intoned, "and neatness does not a kingdom save."
Link would have had a real laugh if he knew the Triforce of Wisdom was defending his messy room.
Zelda picked up a piece of clothing from an almost two-meter-tall pile of dirty clothing. "But still, it offends my royal nose when I must smell these stinky clothes." She dropped the clothing and moved to the window. "Let's get some air in here." She opened the window.
"Caaaaaaaa!!!" A brown bird with a white head swooped in.
"A moby!" Zelda cried, finding herself flung onto Link's bed. "Doesn't Ganon ever quit?"
She smacked the moby with a pitcher of water, which had stood next to its corresponding wash basin. The moby tumbled over, its head slamming into the side of the tall pile of dirty clothes. The moby struggled out, but Zelda rushed over and shoved its head back in with one hand, covering her nose with the other.
She let the moby loose. The moby pulled its head back out, making a "Pee-Uoo!" kind of caw. That didn't say much for Link's pile of clothing. The moby flew out the window.
Zelda shook her fist after it. "Tell Ganon next time I'll stick his head into the pile!" She closed the window, took a few steps backwards, and collapsed onto the bed. "Phew!"
The door opened.
"Zelda!" Link exclaimed in surprise.
Zelda sat up. "Link!"
"Oh, boy! Smooching time!" Link rushed for the bed, launching himself into mid-air.
Zelda frantically scrambled out of his way. Link landed on the bed, minus Zelda.
"Don't try that again, buster." Zelda warned. "And aren't you supposed to be cleaning the kitchen?"
Spryte flew over to Link's side, drawing Link and Zelda's attention.
"Don't pick on Link." she scolded the Princess. "He's sick."
"I'll say." Zelda remarked.
"I mean he has a cold."
"Aaaahhpewoooo!!!" Link wiped his nose with his sleeve.
"See? He's weak and delicate."
Zelda frowned. "He seemed pretty energetic a minute ago."
Link moaned weakly and pulled the blankets around himself tightly.
"No, he's sick." Spryte argued. "And he needs rest and loving care."
She tugged the side of the blanket up to Link's face and snuggled the side of his cheek. Link smiled at it, and together they made a pathetically sweet picture.
Zelda gave up. "Okay, I still think he's faking it. He can stay in bed. You, however, have to get back to work."
Spryte straightened up at the last bit.
"We've got a lot of cleaning left to do."
The moby stood on the window sill, leaning in and listening through the window's wooden shutters. "Caaaaaaaa!!!"
The moby launched itself into the air, back towards Death Mountain.

"Cleaning!" Ganon demonically laughed.
The moby hovered next to his left ear.
"Time for me to clean out the castle. And with the Triforce, it will make me the ruler of all Hyrule!"
He turned away from the moby, facing the Evil Jar. The writhing pink gasses split, letting out one creature. A bug-like monster appeared by Ganon, saddle on back.
Ganon mounted, then pointed to the moby. "As for you, back in the Evil Jar!"
A bubble formed around the moby, carrying it back into the swirling pink gaseous mass.
"Raaaaaaaa!!!"
The bugthing reared and took off.

A large number of people had brought fabrics outside to shake them loose of dust and grime. Among them, a fairy carrying a rolled-up blue doormat.
"Rrnnnhhh!!! This is heavy!" Spryte dropped the doormat, unrolling it. "Sigh!"
She zapped it with fairy magic, and it picked itself up into the air and started shaking itself free from dirt.
"Shake that dust out, doormat!"
Ganon peered over the rampart. "Hmmm,...that fairy could be just the distraction I need."
"Oranges! Get your fresh oranges!" An elderly woman walked by Spryte, one hand holding an overfilled basket of round orange fruit. "Guaranteed to cure what ails you."
The doormat quit shaking as Spryte's attention was drawn to the basket.
"Oh, I'll take one!" Spryte flew up to the basket. "I have a sick friend."
"He will soon be sicker." Ganon reached over the rampart with one cruelly-hooked hand.
A blast of energy launched itself from his hand, hitting the fairy and her armload of single orange.
"Oh!" Spryte cried.
"Something wrong, deary?" the old woman asked.
"No." Spryte's voice was filled with wonderment. "I just feel full of energy all of the sudden." She darted past the woman with her orange at a tremendous burst of speed, but then came back at the same speed. "Hey! Thanks for the orange!" She launched herself by the old woman at the same abnormally fast speed.
The woman reached up to where Spryte had been, looked in the direction the fairy had gone, then clasped her hand onto her head, which produced an "I'm getting too old for this" look.
"Maybe this will help poor Link feel better." Spryte said to herself as she zoomed abnormally fast back to his bedroom.
Back on the rampart, Ganon diabolically laughed and lowered himself down.

"Take that, Ganon! And this!" Link slashed the air with his sword, advancing through the now-clean room. He jumped into the air and kicked a chair over - his replacement Ganon for the real thing.
"Oh, Link!" Spryte's voice filtered in through the wooden door. "Are you awake?"
Link looked at the door. "Uh-oh! I'm supposed to be sick." He turned and dove for the bed and under the covers. "Uh,...come on in, Spryte." he ariaed nasally.
Spryte backed into the door to open it. "I brought you an orange to help you feel better." She flew over and put the orange down on the table next to the bed, next to the water pitcher and basin. "I'll be back later. Bye." She put her tiny hand on his head, being as comforting as she could.
"Thanks, Spryte." Link said nasally. He watched Spryte wave with her hand before turning and leaving. Once she was gone, he kicked the blanket off himself and swung his legs off the side to sit up. "So who wants to get well?" He picked up the orange and looked at it. "I'm gonna keep playing sick until this stupid cleaning's over." He pitched the orange over his shoulder.
Considering what Ganon did, that might have been the wisest course of action.

Spryte returned to the blue doormat.
"Spryte! Where are you?!" Zelda's voice called.
Spryte left the doormat and flew to Zelda's bedroom.

"Make this bed, mop the floor, wash the walls, dust,...and no sneaking off to see Link." Zelda waved her extended finger in a no-no manner at Spryte.
"Yes, Your Highness."
Zelda turned her back to Spryte to walk out the door. Spryte blew a raspberry at Zelda's back. Zelda turned, and Spryte took on her most innocent expression. Zelda turned away again and walked out.
"Work, work, work." the fairy said once the Princess had left her room. "Well,...that's what magic's for."
She zapped the cleaning equipment. The zap sent her end over end backwards. She tumbled into a red velvet chair.
Spryte sat up, looking at her hand - the one that had cast the cleaning magic. "Whooo,...what happened? My magic has become so powerful!"
The mops dipped themselves into buckets of water, pulled themselves out, and started mopping the floor. The buckets of water sprouted insect wings. They buzzed up into the air. One aimed itself at the chair Spryte was on.
"Whoooaaaaaa!!" Spryte dodged out of the way just in time to avoid an unwanted bath.
The buckets unloaded the water onto Zelda's bed. The mops jumped up and mopped about on the bed.
"What's happening?" Spryte trembled.
A soaking wet cloth left the confines of one of the buckets and placed itself before Spryte. It kicked her.
"Aiiieeeeeeeeee!!!"

Link, still sitting on his bed, twirled his sword around, catching it by its hilt when he heard the scream. "That sounded like Spryte!"

"Ha!" Ganon crowed when he heard the scream. "My magic is working just as I planned."

"I could have sworn I heard a scream." Zelda mumbled, standing near the fountain (not currently spouting water, though).
To her side was a clothes line with a rug slung over it.
"Huh?" Her attention turned from the rug to flying buckets coming out of her bedroom window. They dipped themselves into the fountain and flew back into her room, loaded with water.
"Yyiiiaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!"
Zelda gasped. "Spryte!"

A small lake had nearly everything floating in Zelda's bedroom. The buckets simply kept bringing in more.
"Help!" Spryte called out, dodging a flying feather duster.
"I'm coming, Spryte!" Link called, rushing up the stairs.
He opened the double doors to Zelda's bedroom. The wall of water that rushed through carried Link back down the stairs.
"Yeeaaaooooooo! Uhhh,...I should have stayed in bed!"
Zelda had reached the threshold of the outer door. "Huh? Oh, no!"
The water picked her up too and cascaded both Link and her out into the open.
"Aiiiieeeee!"
"Yaaaoooooo!" Link sat up, spitting a stream of water out. "Is this what they call a royal flush?"
Zelda got to her feet. "Spare me the jokes. I think Ganon's up to something."
Link stood, too. "Yeah, you may be right. Better take these."
Link reached into his beltpack and pulled out a shrunken boomerang and three different bows. He handed them to Zelda, and she placed the magically shrunken items into her own beltpack.
High above them, Ganon on the bugthing crawled up the side of the central donjon. "Heh, heh, heh, heh. Now, while they're distracted, I'll grab the Triforce!"
He climbed into the window and walked to the Triforce of Wisdom perched above its pedestal.
"Ah, ha! The Triforce of Wisdom is mine! When combined with my own Triforce, it will make me ruler of all Hyrule! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! And that will be the end of Link and Zelda!"
He grabbed the Triforce and bolted from the room.

"Yaahh! Stop that! Help!" Spryte flew back and forth through the air, dodging the menacing feather duster and bucket of water.
The lake was gone from Zelda's room, but it was now as dirty as Link's room was now clean.
Link and Zelda entered.
"My gosh!" Link exclaimed.
"My room!" Zelda gasped.
"My life! Do something!" Spryte cried.
Link dashed forward, drawing his sword. With one sword bolt, he sent the feather duster spiraling away from the fairy. The bucket of water sent its contents slamming into Link.
Zelda dashed into her room, pulling out a bow. She cocked the bow and sent it into the bucket. A washcloth she hadn't seen coming slammed into her face, sending her dominoing into Link, and him off his feet.
The blanket from Zelda's bed flew off and wrapped itself around Link, still on the floor. Two mops joined in and began smacking the hero-in-a-blanket.
Zelda pried the washcloth off her face, yanking out the boomerang and throwing it at the washcloth. She caught the boomerang on its return trip. "And now to mop up." One flick sent the boomerang careening into the mops, leaving only the blanket to hassle Link. Zelda calmly walked over to it. "How's your cold, Link?"
"It's gone, okay?" Link's voice was muffled under the blanket. "Now will you get me out of here?"
Zelda tapped the blanket with the boomerang. It vanished, releasing Link.
"Phew! What was that all about?"
"I don't know, but I'm about to find out. Spryte!"
Spryte peeked up from a hanging plant that had escaped destructive cleaning only by the fact that it was so high up. "Gulp. Yes, Zelda?"
"What happened here?"
Link picked himself up.
Spryte flew down to Link and Zelda's level. "Uh, well,...I cleaned the doormat outside, and then I came in here to do my cleaning magic, and then everything went crazy!"
Link and Zelda faced each other.
"Ganon!" Zelda identified the perpetrator.
"The Triforce!" Link identified the objective.
He rushed out of the bedroom with Zelda right on his heels.

They rushed into the Triforce's vault combination Link's room.
"Oh, no, Ganon's got the Triforce." Link rushed to the empty pedestal.
Zelda frowned. "Nice job, hero."
"Hey, I was sick!"
"You'll be sicker if we don't get that Triforce back. I personally guarantee it." Zelda rushed back to the door. "Let's go!"

Spryte was the picture of pity sitting on Zelda's ruined bed. "This is terrible. I caused all this trouble, and now Link and Zelda are risking their lives!" She looked up, clenching her fist tightly. "I have to go help them!" She got off the bed and flew out.

"Can't you go any faster?" Ganon demanded of his bug steed.
He looked behind him. Link and Zelda were following - Link on his horse, Catherine, and Zelda on her horse.
"He's headed for an underworld entrance!" Link called to Zelda at full gallop.
An entrance rose beneath a tree, letting Ganon on his bugthing in, then closed before Link or Zelda could get there.
"Ganon's going down into the underworld?" Zelda asked. Evidently, she hadn't heard Link while the horses were galloping.
"I know a shortcut." Link said once the horses had stopped. He kicked Catherine into motion and galloped away.
"This better be good." Zelda called before he was out of hearing distance. "You remember what happened last time we tried one of your shortcuts." She sent her horse into a gallop after Link.
They reached a large tree and dismounted. Link yanked a protruding twig, and a side of the tree bark lifted to reveal a door.
Link waved Zelda in. "Ladies first."
"Now I know it's a trap." Zelda walked in first anyway.
"Wait for me!" Spryte called, flying at full steam after them and into the door before the bark slid down completely.

The inside was depressingly dark. Many roots hung overhead. Zelda brushed by one. It snaked out and wrapped around her.
"Huhhh? Yiiaahh!"
The root lifted Zelda into the air.
"Don't worry, I'll handle this." Link pulled out his Magical Sword and threw a sword bolt at the root.
It disintegrated, dropping Zelda.
"Ahh!" Zelda landed hard.
Link laughed, but it was cut short when the root behind him reached out and plucked him into the air.
Zelda giggled. "Dum-de-dum...I suppose I'd better get you loose,...I guess." She reached into her beltpack, retrieving a bow.
"Hurry up! I'm getting squashed!"
The arrow vanquished the root, and it was Link's turn to land hard on his rump.
The ground beneath them dropped open, sending Link and Zelda screaming on their way down the tunnel.
"Link! Zelda! Wait!" Spryte arrived at the tunnel the two had fallen in. She flew down into it. "Aaahh!"

Ganon planted the glowing green Triforce of Wisdom next to the glowing red Triforce of Power. "There! The two Triforces, side by side. Nothing stands in my way now! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Aaaaaahhhhhhh!"
"Ahhhhhh!"
The evil wizard looked over his shoulder. "Hmmm,...we have visitors."
Link and Zelda were deposited from a hole in the wall into a glass jar waiting right under it.
"Some shortcut." Zelda snarled at Link.
Ganon approached the jar, a sort of miniature of the Evil Jar. "Well, what have we here?"
"Ganon!" Link stood, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Ganon.
The sword bolt bounced off the insides of the jar, nearly rebounding back into Link. Link ducked, Zelda pressed herself against the side, and the sword bolt bounced out of the jar.
"Mmha-ha-ha! Very good, Link. Do you know any other tricks?"
Link got up and leaned on the side of the jar, smacking it with the hilt of his sword. "Let me out of here, and we'll see who has the last laugh, hogface!"
Ganon tapped the jar with the back of his hand - even while Link was still pounding on the other side with his sword. "Strong enough to hold even the most impetuous hero. Too bad you won't be around long enough to appreciate its finer qualities." He turned and whistled like he was calling a dog.
Bars of a nearby cell rose, and out strode a green-eyed gohma.
"Here, boy! Dinner time!"
Link held up an arm to bar Zelda. "Stay down. I'll handle this."
"Where have I heard that before?" Zelda wondered out loud.
The gohma strode up and smacked its claws against the side of the jar repeatedly.
"No! Gohma! No! Reach down from the top!" Ganon demonstrated to it.
The gohma obliged. It reached a claw in. Link smacked the claw with his sword. The claw latched onto the sword and lifted. Link rose along with the sword in the gohma's claw. Zelda grabbed onto Link, pulling him back in.
"Let go!" Link yelled at it. "Or I'll make crab cakes out of you!"
Spryte reached the end of the tunnel. Below her, she could see Zelda pulling in one direction, the gohma pulling in the other direction, and poor Link caught in between.
"Link's in trouble." Spryte said to herself. "Maybe my magic will do something."
She threw a flash of energy at the gohma. In pain, it wrenched its claw back, yanking Link out of Zelda's grasp. Link flew out of the jar, over the gohma's head, landing some distance away.
Link threw sword bolts at Ganon. He barely got the fourth sword bolt out before noticing the gohma behind him. Ganon threw a blast of fire at Link. Link rolled out of the way, letting the fire blast the gohma in the eye. Ganon ignored the crab's destruction, intent on barbecuing Link. Link kept rolling, staying just half a roll ahead of the flames.
Zelda looked up from inside the jar. "Spryte! Zap the holding jar!"
"Uh,...I'll try." Spryte covered her eyes with one hand, unleashing energy with the other.
The energy played over the glass jar, zapping it into non-existence. Ganon's head turned away from Link to the missing jar's glass.
In one swift motion, Zelda cocked her bow. She released it, letting it slam into Ganon.
"No! You'll regret that, Princess!" Ganon yelled.
A flash of fire leapt from his hand, nearly frying Zelda's head off. Zelda lunged to the side, and the fire blast passed inches to her side, hitting the wall support behind her. The entire underworld started rumbling. The ceiling started falling.
"Zelda! Spryte!" Link called. "Let's get out of here!"
"Wait!" Zelda was at the wide platform with the Triforces on it.
The Triforce of Wisdom rested in one hand. The other hand reached for the Triforce of Power.
"If we can get the other Triforce - "
"No time!" Link dashed over and pulled Zelda away from the platform, just seconds before her spot was invaded by falling ceiling.
"Ahhh!" She got the hint.
They ran for the exit, Link's arm around Zelda's waist to make sure she didn't try a suicide run to go back for the other Triforce. Spryte followed closely behind on fluttering wings.

"All's well that ends well." Link placed the Triforce of Wisdom back onto its pedestal in his room. "It'll keep Ganon busy for a while cleaning up the wreckage of his Throne room."
Spryte giggled. "Yes, it sure was a mess. Well, at least we can rest for a while."
"That's what you think! It's still spring cleaning time, and we're starting with my room." Zelda said.
A look of horror washed over Link's face. "But I have a cold coming on." he said nasally.
"Achooo! Me, too." Spryte followed suit.
Zelda pushed Link and Spryte to the door. "Get moving!"

GAME OVER