"THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO CAPTAIN N"
EDITED AND HTMLIZED BY
Saturday, September 19, 1992, 8:00 PM
"LIVE, FROM THE WONDERFUL AND ELEGANT ICARUS TV STUDIOS ON MOUNT ICARUS, VIDEOLAND, IT'S 'THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO CAPTAIN N', WITH YOUR HOST, THE EGGPLANT WIZARD!!!"
"Greetings, everyone out there!" Eggplant Wizard greeted, waving his hands. "Welcome to our very own special, 'The Complete Guide to Captain N'! Tonight, we're going to reveal some of the N Team's origins and most closely kept secrets! Now, even though we're being broadcast on...FAX (Videoland's equivalent to FOX), there's no need for obnoxious and incessant hooting and shouting." The crowd started to hoot and scream loudly. Eggplant Wizard shuddered. "I knew I shouldn't have taken this job." he muttered to himself. "I just knew it. I could have had a guest spot on 'Pals' (equivalent to 'Friends'), but no, my wife had to suggest this load of - hey, hey, let's get started! First," Eggplant Wizard said to the audience, "let's take a look at Kid Icarus!" A screen appeared behind Eggy, and on it showed the following. Eggy narrated:
"Kid Icarus, born Pit Odius Macaronius Icarus, was born during the Great Pickle Famine of Greece in 1987. Times were rough then, especially for Icarus' father, Joey John-John Shabadoo Icarus, who was a pickle farmer himself. Kid ran away from home when he was five years old, for he had developed an irritating habit of putting the suffix '-icus' after almost every word. Kid fled to the Palace of Power and broke in through the air ducts, thanks to his miraculous wings. Also, since his father taught him archery (very sloppy archery at that), he was able to destroy the Palace's security systems. However, he was caught by Princess Lana and was spanked severely. After that, the Princess gave in to Icarus' whining and crying, and she adopted him into the royal family. Of course, now Kid Icarus just spends his nights having bedtime stories read to him and eating a bunch of video chip cookies. It's a wonder he's not an obese slob. He says it's just his metabolism. Folks say 'Yeah, right.'"
The screen went up, the lights came on, and the crowd cheered. "Wasn't that wonderful, folks?!" Eggy asked. "Now, we'd like to show you the very secret origin of Simon Belmont, Vampire Hunter!" The screen came down again, and Eggplant Wizard narrated:
"Simon Stoker Belmont was born back in 1962 to a wealthy country gentleman by the name of Daniel Belmont. He lived in Castlevania all his life, for his entire bloodline shared a grudge against one being: The Count. Like Jonathan Belmont and Trevor Belmont before them, the Belmonts swore to get revenge on the Count. One night, Daniel went out partying and was killed by a flying wine bottle that shattered on his head. But widespread rumors led Simon to believe that it was the work of the Count himself. So Simon trained himself to use a bullwhip and become a true warrior. But during his teens, Simon became very critical about his facial features. Thus, he became a huge snoot and a real jerk. To this day, Simon continues his quest to defeat the Count and keep his hair from going flat."
The lights went up, as did the screen. "Wasn't that lovely, boys and girls?" Eggy asked the crowd. "Now, let's take a look at one of the N Team's greatest allies - Link!" The lights and screen came down, with this narration from Eggy:
"Link, born Linkolus Finkolus, was born in Hyrule's sister country, Calatia. Born to two farmers, Linkolus shortened his name to 'Link' after he was hit in the head by his fellow schoolmates with sausage links. Despite the embarassment, Link bounced back and became a young adventurer. Arming himself with a sword and shield, he said goodbye to farm life and traveled to Hyrule, where he became a hero for hire. His first big break in life came when he was asked to save Princess Zelda from the evil Ganon. Zelda's nursemaid bribed Link with a keg of beer and plate full of French fries, so he took up the offer. He was able to save her from Ganon. Then, he was forced to defeat the evil Thunderbird and even his own shadow! Link and Zelda joined up with the N Team shortly after Captain N arrived in Videoland. The two don't get along very well, and since Link is truly a hopeless romantic, many doubt that he will ever even get a kiss - especially from Zelda."
The lights came on again and the screen went up. "We'll be right back after these messages, folks. So stay tuned!" Eggplant Wizard said. The crowd started hooting and screaming. Eggy shuddered once again.
"You were great, Eggplant, baby, just great." the bigshot TV producer said to the Eggplant Wizard, who was taking a drink of Icarulachian wine. "Ug, those people sure are exhausting. I mean why in bloody crap are we on FAX?!" Eggy shouted. "Hey, sorry, Eggplant, baby, but it's all we could do. Plus, it pays more money for our, um,...tax dues." A stage hand walked by. "Thirty seconds, Mr. Wizard!" Eggy straightened himself up. "How do I look?" "You look great, Eggplant, baby." the TV producer said. "Now get on out there." "Okay, here we go." Eggy waited in the wings of the stage, until...
"WELCOME BACK TO 'THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO CAPTAIN N'! AND NOW, BACK TO YOUR HOST, EEEGGGGGGPPPLLLAAANNNTTT WIZARD!!!"
"Thank you, thank you!" Eggplant Wizard said, waving his hands above his head again. "We're back to our little show. Now, before we start, I'd like to tell you a joke. Okay, okay, what do you call a mouse hopped up on goofballs?" The crowd shouted in unison: "What?" Eggy snickered. "Desmond! Get it?! Ah, ha, ha, ha!!!" The crowd sat there on their hands, with mad looks on their faces. Eggy settled down. "Eh, heh, heh...well, I got it...humorless fools - okay! Let's get back to the show! Now, we'd like to share the private origin of...Mike Vincent!" The screen came down, etc.
"Michael Jordan Vincent, also known as The 'I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass' Guy, was born in Northridge, USA. He and Kevin Keene, who soon became Captain N, became close friends after they ate paint chips at an early age together. This is how most of their lives would go. The two also liked to steal video games from pawn shops that were already defective. Again, this can be attributed to the paint chips. But when the two were fifteen years old, Mike fell into the 'gangstah rap' crowd and started to beat up on his friend, Kevin. And he did so until this day, where he is a member of the N Team."
The crowd hooted and screamed. Eggy sighed again and shook his head. "I just can't believe this...stupid greed - okay! Let's get on to the next member of the team - Mega Man!" The screen came down, etc.
"Mega Man was originally built as a prototype in 1969 by one Dr. Right. Right built this 'Mega Man' from spare parts, such as toasters, tomato soup cans, used cigarette butts, etc. Since Right was a budding drug doctor and hippie, he built Mega Man to be his dealer. But when the cops busted him in 1971, Right had to destroy the prototype, until 1987, when the doctor was incarcerated and went to the side of good. He built the current model, who fights the nefarious Dr. Wily and his Robot Masters. One huge difference between the prototype and the new model, however, is that the new model has developed the irritating habit of putting the prefix 'mega-' before almost every word. Dr. Right has been quoted saying 'That boy ain't right.'"
As the screen came up, the crowd hooted and screamed once more. Eggplant Wizard said "Next, we'll take a look at the origin of Rick Walker, after these messages!"
"Beautiful, Eggplant, baby, beautiful. Lay off the jokes and we got ourselves a prime-time spot here!" the bigshot TV producer said. I got the joke, Eggy thought to himself. "Mr. Tohsgib, we've just gotten in the Videoland ratings so far. People are loving this show!" a staff girl said to the producer. "Great, baby, great! Eggplant, baby, you may have a hit series here!" "Quit calling me 'baby'." Eggy said. "And besides, this isn't what I want to do. I want to write the great Videoland novel, a serious story about the real N Team and their personal problems and tribulations in life. I want to live, Tohsgib, live!!!" Cue music. "Somewhere...over the rainbow, way up high,...there's a land that I've heard of...once in a - " "Ten seconds, Mr. Wizard." the stage hand called, interrupting Eggy's quite beautiful song. "Oh, okay...here I go."
"WELCOME BACK TO THE FINALE OF 'THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO CAPTAIN N', WITH YOUR HOST, EGGPLANT WIZARD!"
Before the crowd even got to hooting and screaming, Eggy rushed out and started waving his hands above his head. "Uh-uh-uh! No way! You aren't gonna hoot and holler this time! Heh, heh, heh..." The crowd fell silent.
"EGGPLANT WIZARD, FOLKS!!!"
This time, Eggy could not stop the crowd from hooting and screaming. "Eh,...what're ya gonna do?" Eggy shrugged. He looked toward the audience. "Welcome back, everyone! We're now going to take a look at the origin of Rick Walker! Lights! Screen!" The lights dimmed once more, and the white screen appeared. Eggy narrated the following:
"Richard Miles Walker, a black male born in the Earth realm, got through school as a jock. He befriended Kevin Keene, a sixth grader, shortly after the eighth grade when Kevin attempted to steal Rick's Cocoa Puffs. Rick gave Kevin a beating about the head and shoulders, but after Kevin said he liked the Temptations, one of Rick's favorite music groups, the two became friends. After Kevin went to Videoland, Rick was angry that his friend disappeared. But Kevin returned once, told Rick of Videoland, and Rick became a video game nerd. Now that Rick is in Videoland, he has become a member of the N Team, and still likes his Cocoa Puffs and the Temptations."
The screen rose again and the lights went up. The crowd hooted and screamed. Eggy gave a depressed look and sighed. "Now, folks," Eggy said, "we'll take a look at Videoland's own royalty, Princess Lana!" The lights dimmed, and the white screen came back down. Eggplant Wizard narrated:
"Princess Lana Harkinian was born on a quiet summer day in 1974. We were out of the Viet-Donkey Kong War by then, and most everything was okay. Lana was a spoiled child, however, and her cries for toys could be heard throughout the land. Her father bought her whatever she wanted, until she reached the age of 13, when she finally realized that she wasn't a baby anymore. Others begged to differ. One day, when Lana was 15, her father disappeared, thanks to Mother Brain. So she called on Kevin Keene to help save Videoland from war. Now that both Mother Brain and her father are dead, Lana must learn to live life in peace without all of the cuddly toys."
As the screen came up and the lights came back up, Eggplant Wizard pointed his finger at the crowd. "Nope. Not one sound. If you do, consider yourself an eggplant." The crowd sat silent. "Okay, now for our last origin of the night...the one, the only, Captain N!" The screen came down for one last time, and the lights faded. Eggy narrated the following:
"Kevin Keene, who was just an average punk teenager who always wanted to be cool, was playing video games in his home one day. Suddenly, he was pulled into his TV by Princess Lana. She dubbed him the new Captain N. Of course, Kevin thought 'N' stood for 'Nacho', so, for a while, he ran around shouting Spanish slurs and gibberish. Soon he reformed and became the leader of the N Team, a group of heroes who were natives of Videoland. After Mother Brain was defeated, several of Kevin's Earthly friends joined the team. Of course, he still likes nachos, and he still thinks he's cool. Others beg to differ."
As the screen rose up for the last time and the lights came back on, Eggy said to the audience: "Okay, now, I don't mind the occasional cheer and applause, so let's keep it to that minimum, okay?" The crowd shrugged after discussing things over with each other. Then they started applauding. Eggy nodded. "Well, that's all the time we have tonight. I'd like to thank all of you for coming here to learn the origins of Captain N and his N Team!"
"What in the Hell was that?" Kevin asked, staring at Eggplant Wizard on the TV. "Rrr...I'm mega mad now!" Mega Man said, clenching his fists. "Pickle famine?" Kid Icarus growled. "I'm ticked-officus!" "Hey! Just 'cause I like the Temptations and Cocoa Puffs don't mean that drove me to liking video games!" Rick shouted, stomping his feet on the ground. "I'm sure Mike would be really ticked-off if he was here." Kevin added. "I'm sure glad he's off on Dragon's Den, where they don't have television." "Turn that garbage off." Lana said. "I'm sending a letter to those sleaze at FAX. Simon! Write a letter! I can't believe they gave me Zelda's last name! Grrr...I'm mad! Simon! Where are you?!" "Yes, Your Tempestuousness!" Simon said cheerfully. Simon ran out of the room, then came back in carrying papers and pencils. He tripped over an ottoman on the floor and dropped everything. Cue short snippet of 'Dick Van Dyke Show' music. Kevin laughed, then turned back to the TV. "And so," Eggy said, "this is the Eggplant Wizard saying keep those TVs safely tuned, and honey, fry up the bacon, because Eggy's gonna be home in time for dinner! Goodnight, everyone!" Eggy walked off the stage with the crowd cheering, and the lights dimmed. And with that, Captain N shut off the TV. He looked at Lana and Simon walking into another room, with Lana dictating a letter and Simon writing. Kid Icarus flew off into a hallway, repeating to himself: "Pickle famine?" Mega Man stormed off to the Warp Zone Shifter so he could have a little chat with Dr. Right. Rick went off and poured himself a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, brought straight from Earth. Kevin shook his head, then looked at his Zapper. Then he looked at the TV. Then back at his Zapper. Then back at the TV. And back, and back again. Captain N stood up, drew his Zapper, and fired a hole through the television set. He blew on the tip of the Zapper, then walked off, catching up with Lana and Simon.