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Captain N: The Game Master

Season 6

"WHAT'S IN A NAME?"


WRITTEN BY
KELLY HARRIS

EDITED AND HTMLIZED BY
MARK MOORE


Saturday, August 19, 1995, 12:30 AM

I knew a guy named Bill Campbell.
He use to rob, steal, and gamble,
And on the side, he begged so he could mop up.
I told Campbell he couldn't do it,
And Campbell told me he knew it,
So he started begging with a bucket instead of a cup.

He's in the jail house now,
He's in the jail house now...

"Spryte!"
The little fairy in question stopped singing and zipped into Zelda's room, nearly becoming blinded by the morning sun. "Yes, Your Highness?" She had been headed for Zelda's room anyway, with a note tucked under her arm.
"Where's Link? Have you seen Link?" Zelda demanded.
"Not since earlier." Spryte took the note out from under her arm. "He told me to - "
"Not since earlier? How much earlier?"
"Before sunrise. But he gave me this note to - "
"Where is he now?" Zelda forcefully demanded.
The little fairy held the note out. "I don't know. He left after handing me this - "
"Left? Left where?" Zelda seemed to be becoming more frantic by the sentence. "He's supposed to be here for the taping of the next episode of VBC's 'Lifestyles of the Famous and Rich'! Where in Videoland is he?!"
"Your Highness, please." Spryte said in a soothing voice. "That's not until this afternoon."
Zelda had begun pacing on the plush rug in the center of her room. "Yes, and a lot can happen to him between now and then." Spryte's soothing voice obviously was having no effect on Zelda.
"But this note - "
"Guards!"
Several sentries rushed over to the bedroom door.
"I want you guys to make a search for Link."
"Ma'am?" one of the sentries queried.
"He - " began one of the other sentries.
"Now!" demanded Zelda in a stern voice.
The sentries gathered at the door looked at Zelda, looked at each other, shrugged, then left the door to carry out Zelda's order. Spryte too was shrugging.
Zelda glared at Spryte. "You, too."
"Me, too?"
"You're going to look for Link, too."
"But this - "
"Spryte!"
"Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going." Spryte took the note with her.

Julius walked into the Conference room, which was currently sporting a game of Monopoly rather than a real conference. "Duh, hi, guys."
Mike and Rick looked up.
"Hi, Julius." Rick answered. "Aw, man! A seven."
Mike smiled. "Boardwalk with a hotel! Pay me, sucker." He looked at the outstretched hand of Julius, forty-seven cents in palm. "Not you, you idiot."
"Oh, sorry." Julius retracted his hand, forty-seven cents and all.
Rick looked over his total assets. "I don't have enough to cover the rent. You win."
Mike jumped up and did an endzone dance.
"You don't have to rub it in." Rick drawled.
Mike was still performing his endzone dance around the long table when the viewscreen on the wall flared to life.
Mike promptly ceased his actions. "Whoa, babe!"
"Pardon me?" Zelda's image questioned.
"Ignore him." Rick advised Zelda. "His testosterone's still surging from his Monopoly win."
"I'm Mr. Moneybags!" Mike shouted.
Rick chucked a Community Chest card with a picture of Mr. Pennybags on it at Mike. "It's Pennybags, so shut up and let the woman talk!" He turned his gaze back to Zelda's image, who was frowning. "Oops. Sorry, Your Highness."
"Whazzup?" Julius asked.
"Link is gone." Zelda said promptly.
"If it helps you any," Rick offered, "he's not here."
"I want you guys to help me look for him!"
Mike and Rick looked at each other. "Oh!"
Julius had his say, too: "Huh?"

Mike, Rick, and Julius stood facing Zelda in the courtyard of North Castle.
Spryte flew over while Zelda was talking: "...and the last person to see him was Spryte!"
Rick turned and faced the fairy, who hovered by his shoulder. "Where exactly did you see him?"
"As he was leaving the main gate." Spryte said, hefting the note up. "He handed this - "
"Great!" Mike exclaimed. "Not even in the castle! He could be anywhere by now."
"We need to split up." Rick said. "Mike, go with Julius. I'll go with Zelda."
They dashed out the main gate.
Spryte hung in mid-air, still holding the note, watching their retreating figures. "But...his note...oh, bother."

Mike and Julius entered the market square.
"Duh, hey, look, Mike!" Julius exclaimed. "Nerf balls!" Julius reached for one of the objects in question.
"That's a grapefruit, Julius. Hey, wait! Julius, no!"
Too late. Julius had pulled out a grapefruit from the bottom of the pile, sending the rest cascading off the table. Before the shop owner had a chance to come out of the back room, Mike pulled Julius away from the fruit.
The shop owner rushed out of the back room, but saw no one. "Hmmm,...darn wind." he muttered. He immediately bent down to pick up the grapefruit.
Around the corner stepped a rather strange couple. One was Hylian human, the other looked more like a purple sack of potatoes.
"Whoa, what happened here?" asked the Hylian.
"Aw, the wind knocked my stand over." the shopkeeper said.
The purple one took out a wand, waved it over the grapefruit, and magically the grapefruit reappeared back on the table.
"Rats." the Hylian said.
"Hey, that was good." the shopkeeper said. "You don't like it?" he asked the Hylian.
"It's not that." the Hylian explained. "It's just that...everyone in Hyrule's got magic. I'm from Calatia, and I wasn't born with it."
"Jealous?" asked the purple one.
"Well, hey," the shopkeeper said, "thanks for the help. What are your names?"
"Egg...um,...Eggbert." the purple one said.
The Hylian said "Llll...Lawrence."
"Thanks for the help, Eggbert and Lawrence."

Zelda and Rick were walking through a different part of town. Somehow, one lone grapefruit managed to roll away from the fruit stand and down the street.
Rick noticed its progress, then noticed the man just feet from it. "Hey, sir!"
The man didn't hear him in time, and he stepped on the grapefruit with devastating results. The man hit the ground, dropping the box he had been carrying. Some balls of yarn rolled out, knocking into a pile of logs.
"Watch out, Zelda!" Rick shoved her out of the way, then took his Super Scope off his back and started blasting away the onslaught of logs.
Zelda got back up from where she was pushed. She pulled out her Magical Sword and started zapping the logs, too. "I can jump out of the way just as well as the next person, thank you very much."
In short order, they had demolished the logs - leaving a lot of splinters around.
"Okay, what was that all about?" Zelda asked.

"Why did you tell the tailor your name was Wednesday?" the purple one asked the Hylian.
"It's from a rap song I found uploaded onto the Videoland Information Network." the Hylian replied.
"Song?" the purple one asked incredulously.
The Hylian started rapping, rather poorly:

Now I was coolin' and coolin',
Just kickin' around the house,
When a knock a knock a knock and a voice - Yo!
Can Hammer come out?
Now I don't mind being a friend
And showing a little bit of flavor,
But Wednesday, Pugsy, Gomez, Fester -
Man, them some strange neighbors!

They do what they wanna do,
Say what they wanna say,
Live how they wanna live,
Play how they wanna play,
Dance how they wanna dance,
Kick and they slap a friend,
The Addams Family!

"Okay, okay, I get the hint!" the purple one cried, interrupting the Hylian.
They passed by a food stall selling assorted meat.
"Yuck!"
"Speak for yourself." the Hylian remarked. "I personally like a good slab of steak now and then."
"How can you stand to eat meat?"
"Look at you; you're an eggplant. How can you stand to eat vegetables?"
"I never thought of it that way."
The Hylian looked up, noticing a stray log. There was nothing remarkable about it, so he turned his attention away. But a light thump drew his attention back. The lone log had tapped the wheels of a wagon, and already the wagon was speeding way too fast to be stopped.
"Run!" the Hylian yelled. He turned around and bolted.
The purple one looked behind him and spotted the wagon. He too got his potato sack feet moving. "Whoa!"

Mike and Julius looked up from the wares a peddler was trying to sell to them. Two figures had dashed down the street. Shouts from up the street and various Hylians jumping out of the way was Mike's only warning that doing the same would be a good idea.
He pulled Julius behind him. "This is way too much excitement for one trip to Hyrule." Mike sarcastically drawled.

"Oh! I forgot to mention: the band's making a music video, and they want their first one in Hyrule."
"Terrific!"
Rick and Zelda found themselves by a bakery. Remembering to look for Link was becoming increasingly difficult. As it was, they were on the verge of forgetting their own names.
"That smells so good." Zelda commented.
"I know." Rick reached for his pocket. "Want some?"
"Love to, but no. The smell alone would get me to eat half the stand, and not all of us have quite the metabolism that Link has."
Rick plunked his newly-bought doughnut into his mouth, muttering with his mouth full: "Link?" Actually, through the pastry, it sounded more like "wIncth?"
"I swear," Zelda said, "I have seen him eat and eat and eat and eat and eat, and the only weight he seems to gain is in muscle."

The Hylian and the purple one finally managed to get out of the cart's way. They wandered through a sidestreet. A lithe red-haired woman approached. If anything, she was dressed more like a flapper than a Hylian.
"Hey, hunks! Join me for a swing?" She grabbed the hands of both and drug them to the gathering.
Apparently what she meant by swing was dance.
The song was cheerful and energetic, but short-lived.
The band leader turned around. "How 'bout we let some of you in on the act? Hey, you!" He pointed to the Hylian. "You look like you know a few songs."
The Hylian shrugged. "Aw, heck, why not?" He jumped up onto the makeshift stage and whispered to the band.
The band began playing, the Hylian started singing, quite well this time:

Ba ba do bop bop bop ba ba do bop,
Ba ba do bop bop bop ba ba do bop,
Ba ba do bow,
Ba ba do bow,
Ba ba do bop bop bow.

Who's the livin' dolly with the beautiful eyes?
What a pair of lips; I'd like to try them for size.
I'll just say "Hey, baby, won't you swing it with me?"
Hope she says "Hey, baby, what a wing it will be!"
Then I said politely: "Darling, may I intrude?"
She said "Don't keep me waiting when I'm in the mood!"

The Hylian stared at the lithe flapper throughout the entire first verse. The flapper stared right back, enthralled by the lyrics and by the singer. At the end of the verse, she jumped onto the stage and started singing:

First he held me lightly, and we started to dance.
Then he held me tightly; what a dreamy romance!
Then he said "Hey, baby, it's a quarter to three.
There's a mess o' moonlight. Won't you share it with me?"
Then I answered: "Mister, don't you know that it's rude
To keep my two lips waiting when I'm in the mood?"

The Hylian joined with the flapper, and together they continued the song.

In the mood
(Oh, boy!)
For crazy loving.
In the mood
(Flo doy!)
For all her kissing.
In the mood
(Oh, joy!)
What I was missing.
It didn't take me long to say I'm in the mood now.

In the mood
(Do-Wa)
For crazy loving.
In the mood
(Do-Wa)
For light romancing.
In the mood,
(Do-Wa)
What I was missing.
It didn't take me long to say I'm in the mood now.

Ba ba do ba do bop do bop do bow,
Do bop do bop do bop do bow.

Do dew ba do bow,
Do dew dew dew ba do bow,
Do do do dew ba ba do ba do bow.

Do dew ba do bow,
Do dew dew dew ba do bow,
Do do do dew ba ba do ba do bow.

Ba ba do bop bop bop ba ba do bop,
Ba ba do bop bop bop ba ba do bop,
Ba ba do bow,
Ba ba do bow,
Ba ba do bop bop bow.

In the mood
(Oh, boy!)
For crazy loving.
In the mood
(Flo doy!)
For all her kissing.
In the mood
(Oh, joy!)
What I was missing.
It didn't take me long to say I'm in the mood now.

In the mood
(Do-Wa)
For crazy loving.
In the mood
(Do-Wa)
For light romancing.
In the mood,
(Do-Wa)
What I was missing.
It didn't take me long to say I'm in the mood now.

In the mood!
You know I'm
In the mood!
You know I'm
In the mood!
You know it.
It didn't take me long,
It didn't take me long,
It didn't take me long
To say I'm in the mood!
Ba ba do ba do ba bow!

The gathering gave a standing obviation.
Several people started chanting. The rest of the crowd picked it up. "Encore! Encore! Encore! Encore!"
The Hylian shrugged. "Might as well give them what they want." He walked over to the band's saxophone player. "Can I borrow this?"
"Sure thing, man!"
The Hylian took the saxophone and began playing 'Land of a Thousand Dances'. The crowd paired off and began dancing. The flapper still on the stage swayed back and forth and clapped in rhythm with the song. After the first few measures, the rest of the band joined in.
At the end of the song, the Hylian gave the saxophone back.
The flapper ran up and hugged him. "That was terrific!"
"Thanks."
"You seem like the kind of person I'd like to get to know better. Wanna try for a date tonight?"
The purple one snickered.
Somehow the Hylian managed to ignore the purple one. "You bet."
"Oh!" the flapper gasped. "I've completely forgotten to introduced myself! And we've been swinging all this time! Heh! I'm Rell Adel."
The Hylian bowed. "Mr. Chance at your service."
"Oh, last name only. How mysterious."
"Do I intrigue you yet?"
Rell laughed.

Mike, Julius, Rick, and Zelda met by the stables.
"Seen him?" Zelda asked.
"Not hide nor hair." Mike said.
Zelda frowned and slumped her shoulders. "Maybe he's gone for good. Huh?" She opened the stable doors, and the singing inside that had attracted her attention filtered out.

I got married to the widow next door.
She's been married seven times before...

"What?!" Zelda exclaimed.
Link and Eggplant Wizard looked up.
"It's just a song." Link assured the Princess.
Mike and Rick looked at each other, continuing the verse where Link left off:

And every one's been a Henry.
She wouldn't take a Willie or John.

"I thought you'd disappeared for good!" Zelda stormed up to where Link and Eggplant were, watching the smith shoe Catherine, Link's horse. "Where have you been?!"
"I've been in town with Eggy trying out new names." Link frowned. "Didn't you read the note I gave Spryte to give to you?"
"What note?"
It was then that Spryte fluttered in, note in hand. She thrust the note into Zelda's face with a Now will you take it? attitude.
Zelda plucked it from Spryte's hands, and opened it. "Oh..."
"Trying out new names?" Rick asked.
Link looked at Rick. "Let's face it. If you had my name, wouldn't you want to change it, too?"
"But Link's a cool name." Mike protested.
"Yeah." Link grumbled. "So cool that it was getting subjected to all sorts of bad jokes after Eggplant's wisecrack about sausage links."
"So,...what name did you decide on?" Zelda asked.
"Well, I decided no name fits me quite as well as Link does." Link replied.
"And I've decided to keep looking." Eggy said. "Kind of hard to replace Eggplant as a name."
A camera crew walked into the stables. The sides of their equipment were labeled "Lifestyles of the Famous and Rich".
"Oh, yeah, forgot about them." Zelda muttered.
Link nodded. "Me, too."
"Duh, Wombatman's taping here?" Julius asked.
"Julius, stop trying to think without help." Mike smacked Julius' shoulder. "We don't need the smoke from your head setting all the manure on fire."

In the front row of the concert, Link sat between Rell and Zelda. Zelda had given Link a dirty look until he had explained why he was bringing Rell.
The entire audience was dressed in '20s style - flappers and gangsters. The band was dressed that way, too. Somehow, they had gotten wind of Link and Rell's duet.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Kevin said into the mic, "tonight we're doing things a bit different, and are opening with Blue Skies, a Roaring Twenties song to go with the Roaring Twenties mood."
The band began playing.

Di-Ya!
Da Di-Ya!
Da da da ba da da!

Just for the fun of it, Link and Rell got up and started dancing. This set the entire audience off into finding themselves a partner and dancing along, too.
"I'm going to have to invite her to my next party." Zelda muttered to herself. "She'll at least keep Link off my back."

Blue skies smiling at me.
Nothing but blue skies do I see.
Blue birds singing a song.
Nothing but blue birds all day long.

Never saw the sun smiling so bright.
Never saw things going so right.
Noticing the days hurrying by.
When you're in love, my how they fly.

GAME OVER

Copyright 1999 by Kelly Harris and Mark Moore