Captain N: The Lame Master 01 Kevin In a Video Rental Store Author's note: This is a parody of the entire Captain N series. It was inspired by La Soldate Chloe's "Noir: The Name of an Ancient What?" fanfic parody series. Basically, the fanfics are in script format, and the characters make fun of each scene through their dialogue. This story was written on Sunday, June 20, 2004, from 8:30 PM to 10:50 PM. Comments, both good and bad, are welcome. Enjoy the story. OPENING SEQUENCE Mega Man rides around on his very small home world. MEGA MAN: Mega hi! I'm the mega chain smoker with the mega speech impediment! LANA: Wake up, kid! What am I paying you for?! Upon hearing Lana's voice, Kid Icarus wakes up and fires an arrow for NO REASON. COUNT: Velcome to CastleVania! SIMON: I sound so different here than I usually do! KEVIN: Since when can apes use utensils? MOTHER BRAIN: My funky spacecraft is malfunctionin'! What up wit' dat, yo?! Oh, yeah, I'm evil. KID ICARUS: Princess, the Palace is under siege! LANA: No, it's not. There's no one outside. Don't try to fool me! MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Behold - a kidnapping! KEVIN: Witness the bad voice dub! KEVIN'S MOM: This line doesn't appear in the episode itself! A green alien-looking thing appears for NO REASON. LANA: Okay, everybody, group pose! METROID KING HIPPO: I'm cool! MOTHER BRAIN: WHO'S cool?! KING HIPPO: YOU'RE cool! EGGPLANT WIZARD: Yeah, right. MOTHER BRAIN: I'm an eeevil soul man trapped in this stupid bottle! THRONE ROOM LANA: Our super-cool shield has protected us from an invading army for SEVEN YEARS, but it's just about to run out! Now, I'm going to praise all of you, even though you haven't done ANYTHING useful yet. KID ICARUS, MEGA MAN, and SIMON: Cool! MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I'm going to talk now. I'm never going to talk again, and you'll get absolutely no explanation of who I am. I'm just going to open up a warp to another universe and kidnap some video-gaming high school jock to help turn the tide of this war at the very last possible moment. Bye. KEVIN'S BEDROOM KEVIN: Watch me mouthe "Wow!" without actually saying it! Um, aaaahhhh...or something. A green alien-looking thing appears for NO REASON. THRONE ROOM LANA: Damn, he IS pathetic. KEVIN: I'm going to IGNORE the fact that I'm suddenly animated and simply ask where I am. Despite the fact that you don't look anything like them, I recognize you all as video game characters. SIMON: It's MY job to make fun of you! LANA: Be fair, Simon. We should take turns! (seductive voice) I'm Princess Lana. KEVIN: Hot damn! Um, I'm Kevin. LANA: Look, Kevin. We're all going to ignore the fact that you were kidnapped. Now, try to be useful in this war. By the way, there's a huge invading army outside. Good luck. KEVIN: Screw this! I'm outta here! The warp closes at the EXACT MOMENT that Kevin tries to leave. Kevin walks into the wall. KEVIN: THAT'LL teach me to not look where I'm going. SIMON: I'm going to mock you and then comfort Her WhateverI'mCallingHerInThisSceneness. LANA: I hate you all for NO REASON! Lana gets on a lift that will NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN after this episode. SIMON: Wait! I can't take a hint and must try to comfort you again! KID ICARUS and MEGA MAN: Geeky insults! LANA'S BEDROOM LANA: Talking to pictures in not an indication of my mental competence! METROID MB: Feed me! Uh, I mean kidnap the Princess! HIPPO: Why don't you just send in your army? MB: Shut up, foo'! EGGY: Whine! MB: Shut up 'n' go wit' 'im! Eeevil laugh! TARGET PRACTICE ROOM KID ICARUS and MEGA MAN: The Princess is upset! We don't know what to do! SIMON: Oh, I'm SURE she'll want to see me NOW! Here's the last lift of the series! THRONE ROOM KEVIN: Ha, ha! I'M the ruler of Videoland, because I'M sitting on the damn throne! Nah, this sucks! Hey, maybe Lana can get me home. CORRIDOR HIPPO: Hippo SMASH! SIMON: Hey, Princess, I'm here to pester you again! LANA: Okay! HIPPO: I'm going to pretend that I'm merely getting rid of Simon temporarily, despite squeezing him into a ball shape. LANA: Simon? HIPPO and EGGY: Surprise! KEVIN: Lana? HIPPO: Watch me fool Kevin with my VERY BAD impersonation of Lana. Now, I'm going to yell in my regular voice! KEVIN: Um? This is suspicious, right? Kevin zaps the doors, destroying them. KEVIN: Damn. I hope she won't charge me for that. Oh, yeah. (intimidating voice) Put her down! HIPPO: Okay. EGGY: Witness my tomato...of DOOM! KEVIN: Call me 'The Man With No Name'. EGGY: Witness my banana peel...of DOOM! KEVIN: THESE are the evil forces that the heroes have been losing to? RANDOM ROOM KID ICARUS: Blocking the door with furniture will keep the army from getting into the Palace! MEGA MAN: But what about our open windows? KID ICARUS: Shut upicus! Those haven't been introduced yeticus! KEVIN: Help! The Princess has been kidnapped! This is beginning to sound like some cliched video game plot! SIMON: Don't worry about me! I'm all right! KEVIN: My only concern at the moment is getting home! Lana's safety is just a bonus! KID ICARUS, SIMON, and MEGA MAN: We're fighting, because that's what team members do! KEVIN: Pause! You guys are pathetic! Unpause! I'm gonna give you orders now, despite the fact that I just got here and have absolutely no credentials for fighting a war. Anyone have a map? SIMON: Shut up! Here's a map! Here's Metroid! KEVIN: No, it's not! I've played this game that doesn't exist. Metroid's HERE. SIMON: Say what? KEVIN: Look, I played it in my imagination; okay? SIMON: I'll flip you for it. KEVIN: Okay. SIMON: I win! KEVIN: No, you cheated, but I'm gonna follow you anyway, because I have no confidence in myself. OUTSIDE Kevin: The bad guys won't notice us, if we keep quiet. MEGA MAN: Great! I'm gonna make a mega loud noise! SIMON: Follow me! KEVIN: You're wrong, but okay! KONGOLAND KID ICARUS: Where are we? KEVIN: Good question. DONKEY KONG: Rrrraaaarrrr!!!!!!! KEVIN: Let's get outta here! KID ICARUS: No, waiticus! We must kill some more time firsticus! KEVIN: That fiery inferno is our way outta here! KID ICARUS and MEGA MAN: Cool! We hate being in this series! METROID MB: Exposition time! Lana, I kidnapped your father. LANA: Feel the wrath of the Force. MB: Do you like to get sucked? LANA: Ew. KONGOLAND SIMON: You're nuts, but I'm following you anyway! KEVIN: I played this non-existent game in my imagination, too! These random boulders will shoot out into space and take us directly to Metroid! Really! KID ICARUS and MEGA MAN: We totally trust you! KEVIN: My pause works differently now, so you all can move around. METROID LANA: Huh? SIMON and KEVIN: Arguing! SIMON: I'M right! Bye! KEVIN: Screw him. Mega Man, there's a hole in the roof of the tower. No, we can't see it from here. It's there, though. Trust me. MEGA MAN: Okay. Your funeral. GUARD: Huh? KEVIN: Hi! Time to die! LANA: Hear me sound dramatic. KEVIN: I'm sorry. LANA: No, I'M sorry. MEGA MAN: Mega hi! We took the stairs, which took only slightly longer than YOUR stupid idea! Nyah, nyah! Um, mega damn. We're locked in. We're mega screwed. MB: Hello, foo'! Time for me to insult you. KEVIN: I am filled with silent rage over your insult. MB: Bye! CORRIDORS OF METROID KEVIN: Wow! This series has a musical sequence! Cool! It makes me feel like we're in an episode of Scooby-Doo! LANA: Understandable. It's just as lame. KEVIN: My miracle gun NEVER runs out of power! MOTHER BRAIN'S LAIR MB: Yes, it does - when the plot demands it. SIMON, MEGA MAN, and KID ICARUS: We're back! MB: I'm intimidated at your poses! HIPPO and EGGY: We're incompetent! KID ICARUS: Spin around really fast! MB: Okay! Hey, I wonder if the Chipmunks are holding auditions. I'm sick of the Four Tops. KEVIN: Let's get outta here and allow King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard to save Mother Brain! MEGA MAN: That's mega right! I don't kill! Not even in a mega war! KID ICARUS: Me neithericus! THRONE ROOM The invading army is gone with NO EXPLANATION. LANA: You did it all. You are God. KEVIN: I was extremely lucky. LANA: Shut up and take the praise. Now, stay. KEVIN: No. I'm abandoning you. Serves you right for kidnapping me. SIMON: Bye! KEVIN'S MOM: You have a choice: homework and chores or war. KEVIN: I've changed my mind! I'm staying! LANA: Feel my hot lips. SIMON: Gasp! KEVIN: I'm so happy, I'm gonna shoot your ceiling! LANA: I have no objection. Go for it! Next episode: Find the Lost Doggy!