Captain N: The Lame Master 02 Find the Lost Doggy Author's note: This is a parody of the entire Captain N series. It was inspired by La Soldate Chloe's "Noir: The Name of an Ancient What?" fanfic parody series. Basically, the fanfics are in script format, and the characters make fun of each scene through their dialogue. This story was written on Monday, July 5, 2004, from 8:45 PM to 10:32 PM. Comments, both good and bad, are welcome. Enjoy the story. METROID MOTHER BRAIN: Ah'm gonna use my all-knowin', super-powerful computer mind mirror to find out Captain N's weakness! Mother Brain sees Kevin playing a video game on Earth just before he was pulled into Videoland. The video game is different than the video game that he was playing in episode 01. Both of these things are conveniently IGNORED. KING HIPPO: How'd ya do that, Mother Brain? MB: Shaddup, foo'! Do not question tha plot device! It angers tha soul man; yes, it does! Now, Dr. Wily, make a remote-controlled robo-cat for me. DR. WILY: Why? MB: Shaddup! As long as you're suddenly workin' for me with no explanation, you will do everythin' Ah tell you to 'n' NOT question mah evil brilliance! PALACE OF POWER Kevin is teaching Lana how to dance. LANA: Ah! Oh! I LIKE THIS! KEVIN: I've got some pretty cool POWER MOVES, TOO! LANA: Ooh, really? Wanna SHOW me these power moves? KEVIN: Slut. LANA: What did you say? KEVIN: Nothin'. Hey, wanna go back to Earth with me, so I can use you to impress all of my friends? LANA: Some other time, Kevin. I've got too many responsibilities here. KEVIN: Then why aren't you doing them? LANA: Because I let you talk me into taking these stupid dancing lessons. Just forget I ever said those lines. Suddenly, the robo-cat runs into the room. Duke follows it. They knock Kevin on his ass. KEVIN: Whoa! Duke, will you stop chasing things! He's been getting me in trouble doing that ever since he was a pup. Sorry if I upset your cat. LANA: Pero yo no tengo gato. KEVIN: This isn't the Spanish dub. Shut up and help me catch him. Kevin and Lana run into the corridor. Duke follows the robo-cat into a warp. KEVIN: Where does this warp zone go to? LANA: It's called a 'warp', stupid. Bayouland. KEVIN: Duke chased something that you don't have into a world based on a game that I suck at. Sounds like a plot device. I'll be back when the episode's over. LANA: Fine. Whatever. Kevin jumps into the warp. BAYOULAND KEVIN: I'm yelling for Duke! Any alligators and such, please ignore me! METROID MB: Go and keep Captain N in the swap forever, foo's! Eggplant Wizard uses lubrication on King Hippo. It is DISTURBING. The scene is later cut by the censors. CONFERENCE ROOM Mega Man and Kid Icarus arrive. Mega Man has the robo-cat. MEGA MAN: Princess, we found - LANA: The plot device. I know. Okay, you two stay here and, um, 'look after the Palace'. Yeah, the audience will buy that. Just be sure to use bleach to clean up afterwards. Kid Icarus opens his mouth to speak. LANA: Shut up! You don't get a line in this episode! Come on, Simon! SIMON: That's THEIR job! LANA: Pervert. SIMON: I'll go if you have a candlelight dinner with me tonight. LANA: Ooh, I'm thinking up a sweet revenge ending. SIMON: What? LANA: Nothing. Deal. Let's go. Lana and Simon walk over to a DIFFERENT warp to Bayouland. SIMON: Why do we have two warps to Bayouland? LANA: Because it doesn't require us to leave the room to warp. Saves running time. SIMON: Which we have to fill up later. After you, Your Wonderfulness. Lana climbs into the warp. LANA: You just want to stare at my ass! SIMON: Actually, I'm letting you go first on the theory that, if an alligator is waiting on the other side of the warp and eats you, I'll have enough warning to get back here to safety. LANA: Remind me to never hold this against you. BAYOULAND Simon takes a mud bath. SIMON: Moving on! Elsewhere in Bayouland, Kevin is walking around in the swamp. KEVIN: I am filled with ANGST over losing my dog. Suddenly, EVIL TREES GRAB AT KEVIN! Kevin escapes but falls down quicksand into a cavern. An alligator approaches Kevin. KEVIN: The quicksand drained my power! I can't pause him! BAYOU BILLY: Hi. KEVIN: Dude, what's up with your face? You got a bacterial infection or something? BILLY: You're not supposed to notice that. KEVIN: Oh, right. Help me find my dog. BILLY: No. I'm just gonna teach you how to fight and a bunch of useless stuff and then drop you off. KEVIN: Good enough. Billy takes Kevin around Bayouland and teaches him how to fight and how to cook. It is POINTLESS. BILLY: Catch ya later. Good luck. KEVIN: I am, like, the ultimate swamp fighter now, because I spent a few hours with this guy. I'm the man. METROID MB: Wily! Time for you to be useful again! Where's my swamp creature?! WILY: Right here. MB: Go kill Captain N! NBC STANDARDS AND PRACTICE SCHMUCK: Um, excuse me. You don't "kill" in this series. You "eliminate". You "destroy". But you never "kill". MB: Remember "Robotech"? SCHMUCK: Oh. Right. Carry on. BAYOULAND LANA: Concern for Kevin! SIMON: Acting concerned oh-so-convincingly! Hey, check it out. Duke's pawprints. LANA: No, they're not. SIMON: I know, but we gotta kill time. A mountain lion is in the bayou with NO EXPLANATION. After a time-killing battle and a time-killing biology debate... LANA: Screw you. I'LL look for Kevin. Elsewhere in Bayouland, Eggy and Hippo are searching for Kevin in a swamp. EGGY: Look. An airboat. King Hippo jumps into it. It is DESTROYED. EGGY: Hey, let me attach the propeller to your body. HIPPO: Why? EGGY: Because I've always wanted to ride you. He DOES. It is DISTURBING. Eggy and Hippo chase Kevin around in the swamp. Kevin's weapons are suddenly working again with NO EXPLANATION. Elsewhere in Bayouland, Simon is kissing his toes. LANA: Your toe fetish is sick. YOU'RE sick. SIMON: You just wish my toes were you. LANA: Oh, shut up! Suddenly, the swamp creature rises out of, of all places, the swamp. SWAMP CREATURE: ROAR!!! Lana and Simon run away. Simon pushes Lana behind him and takes the lead. LANA: I'm gonna ignore that, too. Simon's a great guy underneath. HIPPO: Ha, ha! You're trapped! Kevin to the rescue, zapping away. Billy arrives with Duke. BILLY: Hey, kid! I ended up finding your mutt after all! Now, those training scenes were REALLY a waste of time! KEVIN: My Zapper isn't working now. That makes the training relevant after all; right? BILLY: Okay, I'll give ya that. Kevin uses the Crash Star to destroy the Swamp Creature. It follows Hippo and Eggy into a warp, which conveniently leads to... METROID Mother Brain, King Hippo, Eggplant Wizard, and Dr. Wily are ki-er, "de-digitized". NBC SCHMUCK: Good slave. You are in our power. Worship the Peacock. MB: It may LOOK like Ah'm defeated, but Ah'll be back next weeeeeek! BAYOULAND That evening, Lana, Simon, Kevin, and Billy have a completely platonic dinner. SIMON: I hate you. Lana gives a sadistic laugh. BILLY: Hey, check it out! My MALE alligator had kids! KEVIN: Man, what are you FEEDING him?! LANA: Next episode: Tentacle Love!