Read Message Help - Prev | Next Back to Inbox Message - Download Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 10:45:34 -0800 (PST) From: David Yonts Add to Address Book Subject: Kid Icarus story To: kevinkeene@yahoo.com I made a Kid Icarus story! It is about Kid Icarus! It has excerpts from Kid Icarus's actual diary! I'm serious! Read it now! It's so great! This will CHANGE THE WORLD FOREVER!!!!! dezaemon http://www.horseballs.com _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Kid Icarus, Loser by: dezaemon 15/02/1998 From the diary of Kid Icarus: May 1, 1984 Dear Diary: Hi. My name is Kid Icarus. I am the loveable yet stupid cherub you have come to know in such games as "Kid Icarus". I am currently in the palace of power, sitting here idly, trying to pop one of the numerous pimples which litter the surface of my face. Once popped, the pimple will become a scab which I will tenaciously pick at until my underwhelming death. The N Team is out right now. They are trying to bust a brothel being run on Mount Icarus by King Hippo and the Eggplant Wizard. Why they want to close down such a wonderful place, I don't know. I spent some of my best days there before the hoe prohibition era. Until they reopened it, I had gone for very long without any women due to my rather underwhelming, ummm, physique. The reopening of the brothel gave me a new lease on life, and after a brief stay I would resume my guard duties here at the palace with vigour! In general, during those days, Mondays felt great. Then, as the week wore on, and the booze I had smuggled in from said brothel dwindled, I gradually slipped back into my usual depressed state. When the hoe prohibition era began, I was forced to hang out at the palace. Guard duty was boring, and it was even moreso without booze. Megaman and I passed the time by comparing the sizes of our respective genitalia and seeing who could urinate on a specific wall from the farthest distance. This game occupied us for hours. We would gamble such items as cigarettes, pornographic magazines, condoms, and, if we were lucky, booze. Of course, we really had no use for the condoms. At least, I didn't. Megaman, however, needed it to contain the black, greasy, oily fluid that he spewed when engaged in self-entertainment. Napkins and toilet paper absolutely will NOT absorb this fluid, so containment was really the only option. Ahh, yes, I can remember once we got in quite a bit of trouble with Lana due to one of Megaman's sessions in her room, but fortunately Megaman explained that away, saying he blew a spark plug. I'm certainly glad Lana did not know exactly which spark plug he was referring to! Oh, well, I suppose I must be off, as Megaman seems to have discovered a "security breach". Bah. Well, goodbye. May 2, 1984 Ha-ha!! I think I have found Megaman's so-called "security breach". I have found that if I fly directly above Megaman's head and defacate on his helmet, with the utmost stealth, he cannot see or hear it! He has been walking around with that brown glob on his helmet all day! I don't think I'll tell him. Well, I'm outti. May 3, 1984 Megaman finally detected my stealthy infiltration of his systems today as the brown, amorphous glob finally melted into a runny yet surprisingly viscuous fluid. As it slowly trailed down off the helmet and onto his face, I attempted vainly to mask my glee. A few laughs escaped my mouth, and Megaman was PISSED! He pointed his blaster sharply at the base of my penis and fired three shots. I looked down in horror to notice that, while I could not feel my penis attatched to me, I could not find where it was lying on the floor! I frantically searched about for it all day! Finally, I looked in my pants and there it was! A big smile spread across Megaman's face and he snorted, "I had it on STUN you dumbass!", and we both shared a good laugh and a good meal. May 4, 1984 Still no sign of the N Team. Perhaps they are engaged in a battle for the brothel spanning several days. I hope Eggy and King Hippo are okay, and that they can reopen their brothel, prefferably in a place with lax prostitution and drug laws. Still, this brothel has been a part of my life for so long that I can't help shedding a tear, even if it reopens in another locale legally. Megaman has begun shooting small animals outside the palace today. Usually he will set his blaster on "STUN" so he can entertain himself for a bit with any animal he shoots. Failing that, he sadistically removes their limbs while they're stunned and laughs as they try frantically to move about. One hilarious situation involved a rabbit trying to hop about on one leg! It was actually able to hop about, and it was quite humorous! Oh, well. I suppose you had to be there. This single situation entertained Megaman and I for the better part of the day. We set up obstacles and laughed as the rabbit failed to jump over them. I still await the return of the N Team... May 5, 1984 After a day of playing with our new found rabbit friend, we went back to the palace to resume our guard duty just in case the N Team should show up. We then resumed our old peeing on the wall game. Just as I was about to best Megaman to win this month's issue of Biomechanical Sex Today magazine, a knock on the door interrupted my concentration. We both gathered ourselves up and answered the door. Captain N stumbled in in a daze. He stumbled down the hallway towards the toilet, and proceeded to empty his stomach. Next, Simon Belmont fell on the floor once inside the doorway, completely naked. He stumbled to his feet and tried to force me down beneath him, apparently so he could mount me. I quickly evaded the drunken bastard, and he fell back, face first, to his original position. Next, Lana, Kristin, and Zelda walked in, and they both stumbled straight into Lana's room. Ugh. I hate Lana. Lana is a BITCH! Why does she think that just because she wants to have three way lesbian sex that I have to "stand guard so Kevy doesn't see"? Honestly! As if it weren't obvious anyway. Before her father died and she became ruler of videoland, she was nothing more than another whore working in the very house of ill-repute that I visited in my youth! She wasn't even the best whore there! If videoland must have a whore for a ruler, she should at least be a first rate whore! It was at this point that I realized that the reason they were drunk was because they were, in fact, patrons of the brothel. They had all gone there to have fun, not to close down the brothel. The whore had gone to the very whore house she had worked in as a young girl. I was at once angered and relieved. Relieved that my favorite place in the world was still intact, yet angered that they would lie to me, a palace guard, so that they might have a few nights of illicit fun at my expense! Oh, well. I'm Kid Icarus, after all. I suck. I shall be off to the brothel tonight. At least when I'm there, I can be someone great, not just a joke. I can be someone other than.............. KID ICARUS, LOSER Message - Download - Prev | Next Back to Inbox Copyright © 1997-99 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved.