MSTing of Laurie Kelley's "N-Trek" by Jason Talley Okay, this is it. My first MSTie. Be afraid. As always any comments, suggestions, flames or death threats should be sent to skyrocket35@hotmail.com [theme music, opening sequence] (establishing shot, interior of the SOL. Crow and Tom are present. Crow is dressed as Ryu from the Street Fight video game while Tom is dressed as Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat. They began to talk like they're in a badly dubbed Hong Kong action flick) Tom: Now, oh unworthy opponent, we shall see who is the greatest fighter of all time! Crow: Yes, we shall. Prepare to meet your ancestors! (the bots fight. Mike walks in, sees the two of them going at it and shakes his head) Mike: I don't even want to know. (Crow and Tom fight in the background. Commercial light flashes) Mike: We'll be right back. (hits commercial button) (ads for The Gap) (inside SOL, the bots are out of their fighting clothes. Tom has a ice-pack on his head while Crow has several Band-Aids stuck on various parts of his body). Mike: Well, did you two learn anything from this? Crow: Yeah, I learned Servo is a bigger wuss than I thought. Tom: (lunges at Crow but Mike grabs him) Why you little Texas Instrument reject! Come on! You want a piece of me?! Crow: And what if I do?! (Mads light flashes) Mike: Knock it off you two. The Care Bears are calling. (hits Mads button) (Deep 13. Dr.F is grinning at the camera, in the background Frank is wearing a blue sequin suit and standing beside something covered by a big tarp. There's a rope hanging to Frank's right.) Dr.F: Greetings, roadkill. Well, Nelson, it looks like your Erector sets have seen better days. (SOL) Mike: They're still recovering from when you sent us 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation' last week, sir. (D13) Dr.F: That was nothing compared to the torment I have for you this week, Duckboy. (SOL) Mike: Duckboy? (D13) Dr.F: Are you ready for this week's Invention Exchange? (SOL) Mike: Yes, sir. Have you ever been to the video store trying to pick out a movie but didn't know which ones were any good? (D13) Dr.F: Sadly, yes. If only I had known before I rented 'Johnny Mnemonic'. (grins evilly) Hhmmm...I think I just figured out what I'll be sending you next week, girls. (SOL) Mike: (looking scared) Uh, yes, sir. Anyway, with this (pulls out what looks like a large rubber hand on a stick) the Siskel-and-Ebert-Otron, you can gage the quality of any movie. Crow? (Crow brings in a pile of tapes) I'll now demonstrate. Here we have a copy of 'Scream'. (holds the tape next to the S.E.O. The S.E.O gives a thumbs up ) See? It recognizes quality. (D13) DR.F: Now how in the name of Vanilla Ice did you get a good movie? (shoots a look at Frank) Frank?! Frank: (like a scared little kid) Well, Mike said it was his birthday and my mommey always said that when it's someone's birthday you should do something nice for them. So I- Dr.F: I'll deal with you later, chucklebutt. Continue, Beavis. (SOL) Mike: This is a copy of 'Wayne's World Two'. (holds the tape next to the S.E.O. The S.E.O gives a thumbs down) (D13) Dr.F: So far, so good, Nelson. (SOL) Mike: Now here we have a copy of 'The Postman'. (holds the tape next to the S.E.O. The S.E.O gives the finger) (D13) Dr.F: If that was directed at me you three are going to get the directors cut of 'Ishtar'! (SOL) Mike: (shocked) Uh, no, sir! I didn't program it to do that! (D13) Dr.F: Well, than who did?! (SOL) (Mike and Tom glare at Crow) Crow: (innocently) What? Why are you looking at me? (D13) Dr.F : Well, directed at me or not I'll still have my revenge on you three. Pull the rope, Frank. (Frank pulls the rope and the tarp drops away reveling what looks like a giant slot machine) (SOL) Mike: Planning on moving to Las Vegas and starting up your own theme casino, sir? (D13) Dr.F: You should be so lucky, Elvis. Behold, my most evil invention yet, the FanFic-Otron! (SOL) Mike: Didn't you already invent that, sir? Tom: Several times? (D13) Dr.F: You know, I'm not sure. Frank crashed the computer last night while playing with his Barbie Jewelry Maker CD-ROM and I lost months of research. (Frank hangs his head in shame) Oh well, I guess I'll have to keep torturing you three to make up what was lost. Now, let's show them what this puppy can do! Frank, pull the handle. (Frank pulls the handle and the wheels inside begin to spin. They quickly come to a stop and read three watermelons. A stack of papers drop from the payoff shoot which Dr.F picks up) You see, lowly ones, the FanFic-Otron was created to produce the most horrible fanfic crossovers imaginable. (SOL) Crow: Yep, he's done this before. Mike: (whispering) Quite! He'll hear you! (D13) Dr.F: (looking at the papers) Now let's see what we have. Oh my, it's an A-Team / Star Wars crossover! (SOL) (Mike visibly pales) (D13) Dr.F: Give it another spin, Frank! (Frank pulls the handle, the wheels spin, come to a stop on three cherries and spit out some more paper) Now this sounds putrid. It's a Sailor Moon / Dukes of Hazard crossover. (SOL) Tom: The end is truly upon us. Crow: Repent while you still can. (D13) Dr.F: Let's give it one last try! (Frank pulls the handle. This time it comes up three lemons) By Frank's mother's beard I think we have reached a new low! It's a Captain N: The Game Master/ Star Trek: The Next Generation crossover. Now this is evil! Send them the post, Frank. (SOL) (lights flash) All: We've got fanfic sign! (6..5..4..3..2..1..) (Mike and the bots enter and take their seats) N-Trek: A Star Trek / Captain N Crossover Mike: Hold on to your cookies, guys. I think this is going to be a bad one. Crow: (shaking voice) Mike, I'm sacred. Hold me! Mike: (Mike holds Crow close) It'll be okay. It'll be okay. Tom: Wimp. Captain's log: Stardate 4723.6 Crow: 47236?! Wahoo!! I won the Powerball! Mike: Crow, that's great! Now I hope your newfound wealth won't make you forget who your friends are. Crow: Screw off, Duckboy! Mike: You also won't want to forget who knows how to reprogram you into a beeper. Crow: You know, what's money if you can't share it with those you love? Mike: Better. We have been receiving strange signals Tom: They must be picking up the UPN network. Crow: Hey, don't dump on UPN. Star Trek: Voyager doesn't suck as much as it used to. Mike & Tom: Trekkie! from a dimensional tear Mike: Darn, there's another tear in my pants. That's the last time I buy Levi's. in the Gamma quadrant. The Federation has asked Tom: That you not make any more movies as bad as Star Trek: Generations Crow: Come on! It wasn't that bad! Dr. Soran was kinda scary. Mike: I'd have been more scared of Tattoo from Fantasy Island. Tom: (Tattoo) Da plane! Da plane! the Enterprise to scan the tear Crow: Did you know supermarket scanners are part of the New World Order conspiracy? Mike: Really? Crow: Yep, when you think they're scanning your purchases they're really sending out invisible waves that read your mind. Tom: Wait a second, you King of the Hill reject! Where did you hear this? Crow: At alt.conspieces.redneck.paranoia and find out exactly where the signals are coming from. Tom: And put a stop to the New World Order's plan to put Manimal back on the air. Mike: Now that's something to be afraid of! Captain Picard stared at the viewscreen. Crow: (Picard) Man, the Playboy Channel rules! Will you look at the rack on Miss November?! Mike: You've got a dirty mind, Crow. Crow: Thanks. He and the Enterprise's senior officers were Tom: Getting into the liquor cabinet. Again. at their stations on the bridge. Data had set a course for Crow: Vegas! He'd taken all the cash out of Wesley's college fund and was going to risk it all at the roulette wheel. the Gamma quadrant shortly after the message from Starfleet. Now the Enterprise was in the Gamma quadrant. Tom: Hey, Mike, are we sure Ratliff didn't write this? Crow: AAAHHHHHH!!! Mike, he said the Unholy One's name! Make him stop! Mike: No more Ratliff, Tom Crow: AAAHHHHHH!!! THE NAME!! The tear was in sight, and gradually growing larger as the Enterprise got closer. Mike: (Picard) Oh look, Number One. Yet another hole in the fabric of space and time. Tom: (Troi) Captain, I sense a bad crossover ahead! Crow: (Riker) Well, DUH, you ditz! That happens every time we run into one of these things! "Sir, the signals have stopped," Data replied. Mike: This now concludes our broadcasting day. (all stand and begin to hum the national anthem) Suddenly, the bridge shook. Everyone who was previously standing was now on the floor. Mike: They were on the floor and they were dancing! (gets up and starts to dance in a really dorky way) Tom: I think the fanfics may have finally gotten to him. We may have to kill him. Crow: Dibs on his comic book collection. "It's pulling us in!" Geordi exclaimed, "We can't break away!" Tom: Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo! The bridge shook even more violently as the Enterprise got closer to the tear. Crow: (Picard) Damn it, Riker! If you and Troi are going to do that at least get a motel room! Kevin, Lana, Simon, Kid Icarus, Mega Man, and Duke sat in the living room, watching the Star Trek movies. Tom: They were all doomed to die virgins. Lana was seated in the middle of the couch, with Simon to her right and Kevin to her left. Crow: (Lana) Hey, you creeps! Keep your hands to yourselves! Duke was laying by Kevin's feet. Kid Icarus and Mega Man sat on the floor in front of the couch. Mike: New Mega Man Bulk Up Formula! Put on tons of muscle in as little as seven days! Crow: You'll never have to let bullies get away with kicking sand in your face at the beach again! Tom: Surgeon General's Warning: Mega Man Bulk Up Formula may cause mood swings, cramps, irritable bowl, and a fondness for Kenny G songs. The Star Trek movie they were currently watching was Star Trek: Generations, the seventh movie. Tom: Generations? Oh, where do I start? Kirk's hairpiece? His overacting? The uselessness of Troi? Mike: Just take a deep breath and let the riffs come naturally. Tom: (breaths deeply, exhales) Thanks, Mike. Mike: Anytime. "Are all Earth movies as good as these?" Lana asked. Mike: (Kevin) No, I've got one called Manos: Hands of Fate which is much better. Tom: Hey, you weren't here for that one so don't make jokes! Crow: Torgo! Torgo! Torgo! Tom: Stop that! "That depends on what your interests are," Kevin replied, placing his right hand on Lana's right shoulder. Crow: (Kevin) Me, for instance. I'm into midget porn. Mike: Crow! Suddenly, the TV screen turned black, then blue. Tom: What? Does the TV have a chameleon circuit? Crow: I guess they must have got it at Doctor Who's garage sale. "What the-" was all Kevin could say before he and the others disappeared. All: YEAH!!! "Is everyone okay?" Captain Picard stood up. Mike: (Data) No, sir. We all still appear to be trapped in this horrible fanfic. A shocked look grew on his face. Tom: Picard has a growth on his face? Eeeewww! Will Riker, Deanna Troi, Geordi LaForge, Beverly Crusher, Data, and Worf were missing. All: Waaahhhoooo!!! Only he and Wesley Crusher remained on the bridge. Crow: (Picard) So, Wesley, do you like gladiator movies? Mike: That's sick, Crow. "Where'd everyone go?" Wesley asked. Tom: They followed Worf's lead and jumped to Deep Space Nine. Seven lights appeared on the bridge and Kevin Keene, Lana Deschain, Simon Belmont, Kid Icarus, Mega Man, and Duke materialized. All: (singing)Duke, duke, duke, Duke of Earl, duke, duke, "Where are we?" Lana asked. Crow: (as Dorothy) I don't think we're in Federation space anymore, Toto. "If I'm not mistaken," Kevin said, looking around, "We're on the Enterprise 1701-D!" Crow: (Kevin) Dammit, I wanted to be on Voyager! That Seven of Nine is hot! Mike and Tom: Trekkie! Trekkie! He walked over to the ship's captain, "And you must be Captain Jean-Luc Picard!" Mike: (Picard) Actually, I just play him on TV. "Welcome aboard," the Captain replied, "And you are?" Tom: A bunch of losers from a bad cartoon nobody remembers. "I'm Kevin. Kevin Keene," Kevin introduced himself. Crow: But you can call me 'Cindy'. Tom: You've done that one before, Crow. You're getting stale. Crow: Bite me! Tom: You've done that one to. Mike: Knock it off you two. "I'm Lana, ruler of Videoland," Lana shook the captain's hand. Tom: And Miss July '98. "I'm Simon Belmont, Vampire hunter. At your service," Simon said. Mike: (Simon) I was going to be Simon Belmont, the Vampire Slayer but that Buffy girl had the copyright. "I'm Kid Icarus. Nice to meet your acquaintance-icus!" Kid Icarus replied. Crow: (Porky Pig) T-T-That's all, folks-icus! Mike: All right! That's it! I draw the line at mocking the Loony Toons! (Mike grabs Crow's beak and holds it shut) Crow: Hijrdcpwsh! Tom: (as Nelson from the Simpsons) Ha ha! "Mega-hi! My name's Mega Man," Mega Man also shook Picard's hand. Tom: (Mega Man) Will you be my mega-friend? Mike: (looking at Crow) Do you promise to be good? Crow: Inbdpdwpuw! Mike: Okay. (releases Crow's beak) Crow: (gasps) Thanks, Mike. Duke trotted up to Picard and began licking his hand. Mike: Crow? Crow: I'm not saying a word. "That's Duke," Kevin chuckled, "We've heard all about you, your crew, and the ship!" Tom: (William Shatner) Get a life! "Well, now that we've all met," Captain Picard replied, "I'm sure you'd like to see more of the ship." Mike: How about we start with the brig? "Would we!" Kevin exclaimed. It was a statement, not a question. Tom: If this isn't Ratliff it must be one of his evil decipels. Crow: THE NAME!!! THE HORRIBLE NAME!! Mike: Stop it, Tom, or I'll make you listen to those Culture Club CD's Dr. F sent us. Tom: (shivers) Ugh! Boy George. "Mr. Crusher, would you mind giving our guests a tour of the ship?" Picard asked. Crow: (Wesley) No! You're not my real father! You can't make me! "I'd love to," Wesley lead the N Team down one of the ship's hallways. Tom: And into an airlock Gameboy, Stacey Anderson, Rick Walker, Mike Vincent, Julius Jones, and Romeo Roberts stared in disbelief as six people materialized before them. Mike: Hey, it's the Power Rangers! Tom: Don't even go there, Nelson. The first was male. He had brown hair, blue eyes, and a mustache and beard. He wore a red and black outfit. Crow: It's Grizzly Adams in a dress! Tom: It must be very lonely in those mountains. Kinda explains why he hung around with that bear so much. . The second was female. She had wavy dark brown hair and brown eyes. She wore a purple outfit. Tom: It' the Purple Witch! Mike: That's SCARLET Witch. Get your Avengers right! Crow & Tom: Fanboy! Fanboy! The third was male. He had dark skin and wore a visor over his eyes. His outfit was yellow and black. Tom: He so wanted to be a dancer on The Grind. The fourth was female. She had red hair and blue eyes. She wore a blue and black outfit. Mike: Agent Scully was having a bit of a fashion crisis. The third appeared to be male. He had pale skin, brown hair, and yellow-gold eyes. His outfit was also yellow and gold. Mike: My God! Data has joined the cast of 'Cats'! Tom: If it's still playing in the 24th century it must really be the show that is now and forever. The last was male. He had brown hair, brown eyes, and a beard. Ridges ran up the center of his forehead. His outfit was yellow and black. Tom: It's Prince! Mike: No, he changed his named to 'The Artist', remember? Tom: Oh, right. The newcomers viewed their surrounding with curiosity and confusion. Crow: (Riker) Hey! This isn't Risa! "I don't believe it!" Rick Walker exclaimed. Mike: Chandler did it with Monica?! Crow: They canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?! Tom: Someone thought 'Car 54 Where Are You?' would make a good movie?! "What happened?" The woman in the purple outfit asked. Tom: Oh, just a ridiculous plot contrivance used to move the story towards it's end. You know, the usual. Mike: We hope. "Duh, what's going on?" Julius asked. Tom: Hey, how did Frank get in this story? Crow: Beats me. "Don't you recognize those people?" Rick asked, referring to the four people who had materialized in the living room just a moment ago, Mike: They were on America's Most Wanted last week! Let's turn ‘em in for the reward! "That's Will Riker from Star Trek! The others are Deanna Troi, Geordi Laforge, Beverly Crusher, Data, and Worf!" Rick walked into the living room and shook Riker's hand excitedly. Mike: (Rick) Wow, Mr. Riker, I've seen all those pictures of you on the Internet! You're hot! Crow: Oh, now who has the dirty mind? Mike: Beeper, Crow. Beeper. (Crow starts to mumble under his breath) Mike: What was that, mister? Crow: Nothing. Mike: I thought so. "Who are you and what's going on?" Riker asked. Tom: (super perky voice) We're the Central High Pep Squad and we were just going to do a cheer. Want to join in? "Just call me Rick," Rick said, "This is Stacey, Romeo, Julius, and Gameboy. We were kind of hoping you could tell us what's going on." Mike: So nobody knows what's going on? This is just like every other fanfic we've had to read! Tom: (singing) Nobody knows the fanfics I've seen... "Where are we?" Dr. Crusher asked. Crow: (Data) In yet another terrible fanfic, doctor. Please pay attention. "Videoland," Stacey answered. Mike: That's right! When you join Videoland you get three rentals for three nights for the price of one! Crow & Tom: Cool! She and the others told the Starfleet officers everything they knew about Videoland. Tom: Which wasn't much. Crow: Cheap shot! Tom: Do we do any other kind? Crow: I guess not. The officers sat down on the couch and the group explained all that had happened in the past few hours. Crow: (Worf) So there I was, standing in a field, naked, holding a sheep, and the cop says- Mike: I thought I asked never to repeat that. Crow: If you didn't want me to repeat it you should never have told us about the time you tried to join a fraternity. "This is the Ten Forward bar," Wesley led the group to the counter where a woman he called Guinan was serving drinks to various people. Tom: (Wesley) This is where the crew comes to get hammered after having to take orders from old chrome dome all day. She smiled as the group approached. Crow: And reached for the bottle of cyanide she kept under the bar for occasions just like this. "What have you been up to?" she asked. Mike: (Wesley) The usual. Being annoying and saving the ship every episode. You? "Just showing some guests around," Wesley replied. Tom: (tour guide) On your left you'll see the Back to the Future ride. On your right yet another souvenir stand selling overpriced crap. "Would you like a drink?" Guinan asked. Crow: I've got some Drain-O in the back. "Not right now, but thanks anyway," Wesley replied. He turned to the N Team. Mike: (Wesley) Oh no! You guys are still here?! "This concludes the tour. Feel free to explore the ship." Tom: Wait, they're just going to let complete strangers wonder unescorted around the ship? Crow: (Spock) That's is most...illogical. Mike: It's a Star Trek crossover, guys. Logic has no meaning. He then walked back to the bridge. "What do we do now?" Kevin asked. Mike: Try and steal as many towels and photon torpedoes as you can before check out time. "I think I'll mega-check out the holo-deck," Mega Man said, heading toward the holo-deck. Kid Icarus followed. Mike: (Mega Man) I mega-hear they just got in Frogger. Crow: (Kid Icarus) I bet I can get a higher score than you-icus! Mike: (Mega Man) Mega-can not! Crow: (Kid Icarus) Can to-icus! Simon ordered some Klingon blood wine and sat down at a nearby table. Tom: (Simon) Hey, this blood wine tastes like Tang! "I'm going to talk with the captain. Maybe he'll know a way to get us back to Videoland," Lana walked off toward the bridge. Mike (Lana) And maybe he'll let me rub his head for luck! "Well, boy, I guess that just leaves us," Kevin said to Duke, Crow: (Kevin) Hey, Duke, wanna- Mike: If you ever want another RAM chip you won't say it. Crow: Aw, you're mean. "How 'bout we go check out those guest rooms. Crow: PLEASE!! Mike: No! "I'm getting kinda tired." Kevin and Duke headed toward the guest rooms. Tom: I wonder if the Enterprise has those vibrating beds. Crow: Hey! How come he got to say stuff? Tom: Because my mind isn't as sick as yours, transistor head. (Crow lunges for Tom but Mike grabs him) Mike: Stop you two or I'll get out my bot maintenance kit. You know, the one with the mallet and chainsaw? Tom & Crow: (quietly) We'll be good. "Anyone know how to get these guys home?" Rick asked. Tom: They've been here for weeks. Eating our food, hogging the TV, and not flushing after they use the can. I want these moochers out! He, the rest of the N Team, and the Enterprise's senior officers sat in a circle in the living room floor, trying to think of how to get everyone back in their own universe. Mike: But they weren't having any luck so they decided to play Truth or Dare. Crow: (Riker) Well, Truth or Dare? Tom: (Worf) Dare. Crow: (Riker) I dare you to run though Main Engineering naked. Mike: Naked Klingon? That's a mental image I could have done without. Just then, Guts Man, All: Gross! Cuts Man, Elec Man, Crow: Elec Man? Mike: Election Man? Tom: Ross Perot? Snake Man, Fire Man, Ice Man, Junk Man, Mike: The Junk Man? Why are they dragging Astro City into this? Tom & Crow: Fanboy! Fanboy! Charge Man, Tom: The guy on the American Express card? Mike: Don't leave your home universe without it! Centaur Man, Slash Man, and Skull Man, Mike: Skull Man? Sounds like someone who would open for Megadeth. entered the room and began firing at the group. (Mike and the bots start to cheer) The N Team members attacked the robots with Crow: Pieces of wax fruit and bottles of Snapple. Tom: Sadly, those weapons were ineffective and they were all killed. The end. their weapons while William Riker, Beverly Crusher, Data, Deanna Troi, Worf, and Geordi LaForge fired Mike: Super-soakers. their phasers. Within a minute, the robots were nothing but scrap metal. Tom: Let's take what's left of these guys down to the recycling center and see how much they'll give us! "Wow!" Rick exclaimed, "Those phasers really kick butt!" Mike: And can they ever lumbada! "Now, like, let's get back on the subject," Stacey said, "Does anyone know how to get these guys back home?" Tom: Sure, all they have to do is get on Route 37, go west until they reach Vulcan, then swing a right and they're home. "Have you tried a universal warp?" a voice outside the room asked. Crow: No, what's in it? Mike: Rum, brandy, vodka, gin. You name it, it's in there. Crow: Gimme a double on the rocks. "Q? How did you get here?" Riker asked. Tom: (Q) I just caught the bus at 38th street. How'd you get here? "I can go anywhere," Q answered, Crow: (Q) Even the girl's locker room. Wanna see? "You are here because your ship ran into a tear in the dimensional fabric. This wasn't a normal tear, it was a warp to this universe. In order to get back, the Enterprise must run into the same tear." Mike: Och! I banged my head on that damn dimensional tear again! With that, he disappeared. Tom: Now if this fanfic would just disappear. "What do we do now?" Romeo asked. All: Kegger!! "Wait, I guess," Geordi answered. Crow: Geordi Laforge, man of action! (all start to hum the 'Indiana Jones' theme) "Why don't we talk to the Enterprise?" Julius asked. Tom: (valley girl) We don't talk to them because they are so like last year. "Like, how do you talk to someone in another universe?" Stacey asked. Mike: I'm guessing long distance. Tom: Yes, with AT&T's new long distance plan you can call other dimensions anytime and receive great savings! Rick thought for a moment before snapping his fingers, Tom: (Rick) Hey, when you snap your fingers it makes a noise! Cool! "Julius! You're a genius! Maybe Dr. Right and Li could build a communications device that could reach other universes! Crow: (Rick) And while they're at it maybe they can give me something for this rash. We can give the doctors a visit tomorrow!" Tom: We'll get to sit in the waiting room for hours and read eight mouth old issues of Time and Golf Digest! It'll be great! "What'll we do until then?" Romeo asked. Mike: Try not to scratch it. That only makes it worse. Crow: Darn Poison Oak. Rick stood up, stretched, and yawned, "Sleep." All: ZZZZZZZZZZZ!! Our guests can have the others' beds". Tom: After all, they did go though the trouble of short sheeting them so they may as well get some laughs off these guys. Kid Icarus, Mega Man, and two cadets entered the holodeck. Mega Man, with a little help from Mark, one of the cadets, had programmed a game similar to the robot master lairs in the Mega Man series. Mike: It was the fifth book in the amazingly misnamed Mega Man trilogy. Tom: A 'Hitchhikers' reference. Not bad. Mike: Thanks, I try. Two teams of two would go through the maze, each through a different path. Crow: Until they were all horribly lost. If both teams made it to the center room, they would battle each other until Mike: Until one of them was crowned King of the Ring! Tom & Crow: Wrestlemania! one team was defeated. Mega Man and Kid Icarus were one team. Mark and Laurie, the other cadet, were the other team. Tom: I sense the death of a bunch of redshirts ahead. Crow: No, on Next Generation disposable cast members wear gold. Just ask Tasha Yar. Tom & Mike: Trekkie! Trekkie! Crow: Stop that! It's Trekker! Trekker, dammit! Mega Man and Kid Icarus reached the center room first. This particular lair was designed like Fireman's. Tom: It's a fire station? Mike: Don't try to make sense out of a fanfic, Tom. You'll only hurt yourself. The cadets didn't take very long to reach the center room. The battle was relatively short, since the cadets were low on energy and their weapons weren't as powerful as Mega Man's. Tom: Jeez, that was shorter than a Tyson fight. Crow: I can't believe we spent $49.95 for pay-per-view! "That was kinda fun," Laurie replied. Mike: No it wasn't. "Where'd you learn to shoot like that?" Mark asked Mega Man. Crow: At my old job at the post office. "Practice," Mega Man replied. All: (singing) Makes perfect! Suddenly, the ship shook. Everyone who was previously standing was now on the floor. Mike: They were and the floor and they were breakin'! (Mike begins to do the Robot) Tom: Yep, the fanfics have finally destroyed his brain. Crow: We'll take him out when he goes to sleep tonight. "All staff please report to your stations!" Picard's voice sounded through everyone's comm-link. "That would be us," Laurie replied as she and Mark exited the holodeck. Mega Man and Kid Icarus hesitated, then followed. Mike: (little kid voice) Wait for us! Tom: (little kid voice) Yeah, we wanna to go to! "What's going on-icus?" Kid Icarus asked. Captain Picard, Wesley Crusher, a few cadets and ensigns, including Mark and Laurie, and the N Team were all on the bridge. The viewscreen showed the strange-looking green ships. Mike: It's Galaga! I love that game! "We're being attacked by Klingon bird-of-preys!" Mark replied. Tom: (Picard) Again with the Klingons! Always with the Klingons! "What're they clinging on to?" Laurie asked. Crow: Hey, that's our line! The ship was jolted by one of the ship's lasers. Mike: Jolt! Twice the caffeine! Tom: You'll never sleep again! "Mr. Slater, arm photon torpedoes," Captain Picard ordered. Tom: Slater? Please tell me this isn't going to turn into a Saved by the Bell crossover! Mike: Hey, I liked Jesse in Showgirls. And Kelly is on Melrose Place now. Crow: You are a lonely, lonely, man, Mike. "Already done, sir," Matt replied. Crow: Done? It's Done? Thank God! Mike: Sit down, Crow. Picard nodded, "Fire at will." Tom: (Picard) And when you're done firing at Will I want you to take a shot at Wesley. "What if Will don't want to be fired at?" Matt asked as he fired the torpedoes at the closest ship. Crow: Mike, they're stealing our riffs! Make them stop! Mike: (Fargo voice) Hey you kids, it's not nice to steal other peoples riffs dontyaknow. The ship exploded. All: YES!!! The other two ships were destroyed the same way. Crow: They hit an iceberg and took Leonardo Dicaprio to his death. Mike: And they called that a tragedy? "Is that all of them?" Lana asked. Tom: (John Wayne) Yep, we got ‘em all, little lady. "This is exactly like the show," Kevin muttered. Crow: No it's not. The show is actually good. Mike: What about 'Angel One' and that Robin Hood bit? Crow: Well, it's good most of the time. In Dr. Right's lab, Dr. Right and Li worked on the Communications device. Mike: They wanted HBO but they'd be damned if they were going to pay for it. It was nearly done. It just had a few finishing touches that needed to be added to it. Crow: Soon they would unleash Crystal Pepsi into the world and they would be rich! Rich! "I think we're done," Li replied. Crow: I hope this story is almost done. "So do I," said Dr. Right, "Now to test it." Mike: (Dr. Right) It's not working. I wonder-- Oh, silly me. I forgot the batteries! The N Team, Captain Picard, and Wesley Crusher were standing on the bridge talking to each other when the image on the viewscreen changed to static. Tom: No! Not during the playoffs! "Captain N..hear me?" Dr. Right's voice was breaking up. Mike: (hypnotist's voice)You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy. Now take off your pants and act like a chicken! "Dr. Right?" Kevin was puzzled. Tom: As always. "He must have found a way to reach us here," Lana replied. Crow: Boy, Lana sure is observant Tom: (Lana) Hey, there's something at the bottom of my ankles! I think it might be my feet. "Listen," now Rick was talking, "You need..find..tear..dimensional fabric..home," Rick's voice barely got through. Mike: This song sucks. Somebody change the station. "Dimensional tear?" Simon asked. Crow: Sounds like the name of a Cure album. "The tear in the dimensional fabric that took our senior officers and brought you here!" Wesley exclaimed. "We need to run back into it to get everyone back to where they should be!" Tom: (Picard) Very good, Wesley. We'll do just that. Now why don't you got take your medicine? "Make it so, Mr. Crusher," Picard ordered. Crow: I love it when he says that. He sounds so manly! (Mike and Tom look at Crow) What? Wesley set the coordinates and set the warp to maximum. The Enterprise took off in search of the tear. Tom: But found the Ark of the Covenant instead. "I hope they heard us," Rick said. Everyone was seated on the living room floor. Tom: Because all their furniture had been repossessed. All there was to do now was wait and see if they had been heard. Suddenly, without warning, a strange light enveloped the Enterprise's senior officers and they disappeared. Crow: Looks like O'Brain's went and got drunk while on transporter duty again. In their place stood Kevin, Lana, Simon, Mega Man, Kid Icarus, and Duke. Mike: (Rick) Nuts! I thought we were rid you guys! "Hey, man, you're back!" Rick shook Kevin's hand, "You won't believe who was here!" Crow: It was Big Bird, Elmo, Bert, Ernie, and Cookie Monster! Tom: Where was Oscar the Grouch? Crow: In the can. "We'll talk about our weird experiences later," Kevin said. Mike: (Kevin) I've been having weird experiences lately. My voice has started to change and I'm getting hair where I didn't have hair before. He walked out of the living room, "Right now, "I could really use a nap. Tom: And I could use a Valium. GAME OVER All: Wahoo!! Mike: Come on, guys. Let's get out of here. (6..5..4..3..2..1) (SOL main Room) Mike: We'll guys what little lesson can we learn from today's torture? Tom: That most fanfic writers are minions of Satan? Mike: True, but we learned that after 'Jammers'. Crow: Then was it that there are some crossovers man was not meant to write? Mike: Also true, but we learned that after 'The Rangers of NIMH'. Tom: Then what was the lesson? Mike: That no matter what, Wesley will always figure out a solution even if makes no sense. (Tom and Crow groan) (Mads light flashes. Mike hits the button) (D13) Dr.F: Still sane, puckstop? How sad. I'm feeling extra evil today so I think I'll just send you another story right away. (SOL) Mike: You wouldn't! (D13) Dr.F: I would! I'm evil! Pull the lever, Frank! (Frank pulls the lever, suddenly the FanFic-Otron begins to smoke and shake) Frank: What's happening, Steve?! Dr.F: It's going to blow! (the FanFic-Otron explodes ) (SOL) Crow: Do you think they're dead? Mike: I hope not. Dr.F said he'd let me go one day. Tom: He also said that guy from 'Beakman's World' was his brother and we all know how true that turned out to be. (D13) Frank: (off camera) Dr.F, I'm bleeding. Profusely. Dr.F : (face smeared by smoke) In a second, Frank.(looks around) I wonder what could have caused this. (spots some papers on the floor and picks them up) (SOL) Mike: What is it, sir? (D13) Dr.F: (examines papers) Something called 'Enterprized' by Steven Ratliff. (SOL) Crow: THE NAME!! THE NAME!!! Mike: Yeah, that would explain it. (D13) Dr.F: Next time, Duckboy. Hit the button, Frank. Frank: Dr.F? I can't see anymore. Dr.F: (sighs) I'll do it. (hits button) Disclaimer: MST3K and all junk related to it belong to Best Brains Inc. Captain N and it's trappings belong to, I think, Sabon. Everything else mentioned here belongs to whoever it belongs to. Nothing in this MSTie should be seen as an attack on the author who I'm sure is a very nice person. I'm just having a little fun. No money was made from this so please don't sue. I'm a college student. I had no money. Message - Download - Prev | Next Back to Inbox Copyright © 1997-98 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved.