If Samus Was Around


Kevin in Videoland

Written by Mark Moore

Based on a story by Jeffrey Scott

Based on a novelization by David Hartline

Edited and HTMLized by Mark Moore

Author's note: This is part of a series of stories that I'm adapting from the "Captain N: The Game Master" cartoon episodes. It's not based on any of the other Captain N fanfics that I've written. You don't even have to have watched the cartoon series to understand and (I hope) enjoy this fanfic series.

The premise of this series is simple. I've come to find the characters in the cartoon series to be incredibly stupid. Samus Aran was never in the cartoon series. I felt that she should have been. So, what if Samus Aran (from the comic books) existed in the Videoland of the cartoon series and joined the N Team? How would she deal with all of the N Team's stupid decisions? Find out here!

I'm doing this series out of order, since I'm basing it on episode novelizations that are done for my site, The Unofficial Captain N Home Page: http://ucnhp.tripod.com

I wrote this story on Thursday, December 12, 2002, from 8:00 PM to 11:26 PM. Comments, both good and bad, are welcome.

Final warning: This series mercilessly pokes fun at the cartoon series! You have been warned! Enjoy! ^_^

Saturday, September 9, 1989

It was a dark day in Videoland. For seven years, Mother Brain's minions have laid siege on the Palace of Power.

Through the monitor in Mother Brain's lair on Metroid, her brain-shaped asteroid, one could see the golden, brilliantly shining Palace of Power surrounded by evil troops, many on the ground and many flying around. The troops were all from Metroid, Mother Brain's home base.
Mother Brain's two principal lackeys were watching the troops' actions through the monitor. They were King Hippo, a blue, yellow-eyed obese boxer wearing only brown pants, yellow shoes, orange boxing gloves, and a silly crown, and Eggplant Wizard, a fat, one-eyed, purple-colored, eggplant-shaped being with a short green stem on his head and a red cape.
"Ha, ha! We're too strong for 'em!" King Hippo, grinning, said to Eggplant Wizard.
Eggplant Wizard smiled at his comrade, but then looked surprised as he turned around to look behind himself. Their leader, Mother Brain, was stretching her tentacle out to King Hippo's right foot. The less said about her appearance the better. Her gray brain was oversized and sealed in a bottle filled with necessary greenish fluid. Her yellow, evil eyes were set in her pink face, which had three holes between the eyes and the mouth; the largest hole, in the center, was where the nose should have been; the two other holes flanked it. Her mouth was quite human; the bottom of her face stretched to the bottom of her jar. The eyes were each connected by a tentacle to the brain, and her face was directly connected by two tentacles thereto. The cerebellum of her brain was connected to the spinal cord, which went down to the bottom of her jar and connected to circuitry in the bottom. On the top of her jar, on the left and on the right, were two passages for her two free tentacles so that she could grasp objects with her tentacles and fire electrical shots with them, for her powerful nervous system could control electricity with great ease. On the top of her jar, furthermore, were three metal objects that she could use to fire more electricity. Suffice it to say her face was somewhat humanlike, but much less than glamorous. She wrapped her tentacle around one of King Hippo's short legs and lifted him to her.
"Yow!" King Hippo cried, surprised.
"Who's too strong for them, King Hippo?" Mother Brain asked in an intimidating manner as she dangled him in front of her.
"Uh, uh, uh, you! You're too strong for 'em, M-M-Mother Brain!"
Mother Brain smiled evilly at his appropriate response.
"Hoo, hoo, hoo!" Eggplant Wizard snickered secretly, under his breath.
"What's so funny, Eggplant Wizard?" the evil brain asked.
Eggplant Wizard looked around. "Who, me?" he asked innocently.
"Whoa!" King Hippo cried as Mother Brain began moving him.
Eggplant Wizard stared upwards as Mother Brain positioned King Hippo over him; then she let the fat boxer go! Eggplant Wizard turned to run but got nowhere; several vegetables popped out of him as King Hippo fell onto him and nearly crushed him. He pushed his head out from under and looked at Mother Brain.
"N-n-nothing, Mother Brain." Eggplant Wizard said. "Uh, nothing's funny at all."
Smiling nastily, Mother Brain pulled her tentacle back into her jar. "That's right, especially for those poor souls in the Palace of Power! It won't be long before I, beautiful goddess that I am, become Queen of Videoland! Ha, ha, ha,..." She continued to laugh maniacally.

As Mother Brain plots the Palace's doom, the beautiful Princess Lana is filled with despair.

The body of the Palace of Power was slender, stretching high into the sky; the top was surrounded by many pods. The bottom was anchored securely to the ground. The golden palace was beautiful and bright in the night.
The ornate Throne room possessed lavender carpeting, the golden throne lined with lavender fabric, two enormous precious seashells flanking the ivory throne circle which was elevated above the rest of the floor, and golden walls and floor. Lana, the Princess Regent of Videoland, was sitting on the throne, facing Simon Belmont, Mega Man, and Kid Icarus, the bravest defenders of Videoland.
Kid Icarus was very short, red-haired, and blue-eyed, with white wings and a head physically too large for the rest of his body; he had a Roman-like white toga and sandals outfit, and he also had gloves. Mega Man was a short android with a green body, a dark visor that showed his eyes, and a face that was human in appearance. Simon Belmont was "tall, dark, and handsome". He had a blue coat, gloves, brown pants, brown boots, a brown backpack, and goggles, all one would need for adventuring. He kept a whip on one of his left belt-loops. His hair was blond, and his eyes were blue. He was annoying and self-centered much of the time.
Princess Lana was very beautiful, with green eyes and quite lengthy brown hair. A small golden crown, with a green emerald in the center, adorned her head, and behind this some hair had been made to shoot above it. She wore a plain golden ear-pendant on each ear, and she wore three emeralds on her neckband. Her dress was between red and pink with white shoulder covers. It was separated at the belly area all around her body. The bottom part covered little of her long legs; it was longest on her right leg, where it went three fourths of the way down to her knee, while on the left side, it barely extended down to her leg. The part of her dress that covered her legs and rear was white; that which went around her waist and covered the front of her lower area was the same red-pink. Long blue boots, with golden cuffs near the ankles, covered her lower legs about two thirds of the way up to her knees. On each arm near the wrist was a pink-red bracelet, each with a golden band near the wrist, each golden band with a stunning emerald set in it.
Suddenly, the front doors burst open, and a person ran into the Throne room. The person turned around, slammed the doors closed, and fired a few shots from an arm cannon, melting the lock and sealing the doors closed.
The person turned around and removed the helmet. It turned out that the person was a gorgeous woman with long, blonde hair. She looked to be in her early twenties.
"Who are you?" Lana asked.
"You're kidding, right?" the woman asked.
Lana shook her head.
"I'm Samus Aran." the woman replied. "I'm a famous bounty hunter."
"What do you want?" Lana asked her. "And how did you get into the Palace?"
"I short-circuited the locking mechanism." Samus replied. "I'm amazed that the army outside hasn't figured to do that by now. As for what I want, I heard that a team had recently been formed to defeat Mother Brain. I want to be on it."
"If you wish. Welcome to the team, Samus Aran." Despite her beauty, Princess Lana was quite distressed at the moment. "I'm afraid we can't hold out much longer."
"Could it be because you all are just standing around, doing nothing?" Samus suggested.
"Kid Icarus, your loyalty has never diminished." Lana pushed a tuft of hair from Kid Icarus' face.
Kid Icarus wiped away a tear. "Just doing my duty, Your Highnicus." he replied.
Princess Lana stood up, knelt down, and put her hands on Mega Man's shoulders. "Mega Man, you fought bravely and well."
Mega Man smiled at her. "A pleasure to serve you, Your Worship." he told her. He bowed his head.
Princess Lana turned to Simon Belmont. "Simon, you've been our anchor in a long and terrible storm."
"I know." Simon replied simply with pride and with his eyes closed.
"I thank you all for your efforts." Lana said with a trace of despair evident in her face and voice. "I only wish it didn't have to end this way!"
With sizzling electrical current, the lights dimmed and shone bright again. Lana gasped, and Simon took her in his arms.
The voice of the Ancient Prophecy sounded throughout the room:

"Do not give up hope yet, Princess."

A light shone, and Lana gasped again. Simon turned to her and grinned.
Lana looked at Simon, then at Simon's arms. "Simon, let go of me!" She pushed his arms away and went to the light. With a perplexed look, Simon followed.
All five went to the source of the light, the Power Glove, which was on a pedestal. It was from here that the voice of the Ancient Prophecy was coming.

"There are powers beyond those of which you are familiar. The Legend of Videoland foretells of a young warrior..."

Here, Simon smiled, licked his fingers and, with vanity, slicked his hair back.

"...from another land who shall warp into our world and lead you to victory."

Here, Simon frowned and shook his head, disgusted.

"He is Captain N, the Game Master."

Thus far, Lana, Samus, Kid Icarus, and Mega Man had been listening with rapt attention to the prophetic voice.

"Behold, the Ultimate Warp Zone!"

The glove turned to bright, radiant energy and affixed itself onto the ceiling, turning into a bright, blue warp.

Seemingly a normal fifteen-year-old, Kevin Keene was an good student where grades were concerned. He was rather tall and lean, though he did have a bit of strength. He was quite honest most of the time and, in most matters, well-behaved. His brown hair was a bit long, but not sloppily so. His brown eyebrows were quite expressive, as were his blue eyes. Anyone who knew him could use these to tell how he was feeling, what mood he was in. Like most late-twentieth-century teenagers, he normally dressed informally. He wore a short-sleeved yellow shirt outside his blue jeans, and he had white-and-black sneakers. His jeans were too long for anyone to see his socks, normally. He had a jacket with white sleeves, a white collar, red cuffs, a red body, and a black N with a while outline on the left breast.
Kevin was in his messy room. His mother had told him to clean it up, but he had not. Instead, he was playing a game of Punch-Out!! He wasn't doing too well against King Hippo, either; he didn't know why he wasn't playing so well tonight. His dog, Duke, came to him with the Zapper in his mouth. The dog was mostly light-brown with a dark-brown patch of fur on the left side of his face; his ears were floppy, and his tail was sort of medium-length. He was of medium size. He had a blue handkerchief over his collar. Amused, Kevin shook his head.
Suddenly, the screen on his television changed...from that of the boxing ring to the Throne room in the Palace of Power!
"Wow!" he exclaimed in great surprise.
Suddenly, energy from the television reached out and grabbed for him. He jumped out of his chair and tried to hold on to the curtains in the back of his room, but to no avail. One of the bars ripped out of the wall, and he was pulled into his television set, through a warp to Videoland. His faithful dog, Duke, followed, despite the ghostly green figure that popped out after Kevin had been pulled in. Kevin screamed as he fell through the warp passage.

The warp churned more brightly, and Simon, Kid Icarus, Mega Man, Samus, and Lana turned to it. Kevin and Duke emerged from the Ultimate Warp and landed on their bellies in front of Simon, Kid Icarus, and Mega Man.
"What? How did we get here?" Kevin asked. He looked up at the three people who were in front of him. "Simon Belmont? Kid Icarus? Mega Man?"
As Kevin got up, Simon pointed at him. "And you must be Captain N! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Duke got up.
Kevin rubbed his eyes and smiled. "You guys aren't real!" He rubbed Simon's nose with his right index finger. "You're just so many computer bytes in my game cartridges." Simon snapped his head around. Kevin pulled back his finger before Simon snapped his teeth at it. "Whoa! They're real!" He shrugged and looked down at Duke, who lay back down and whined in a low voice with his forepaws on his head.
"Looks like the Ultimate Warp brought us the ultimate wimp!" Simon said nastily, with an egotistical smile.
Kevin looked at Samus. "Who are you?"
"Samus Aran." Samus replied. "Don't tell me that you've never played a game starring me."
"Uh..." Kevin didn't know what to say.
Princess Lana had a worried look on her face. She tried to banish it as much as she could. She knew the right look might lure this guy to help her; she hated to think of herself that egotistically, but she had to do whatever she could to help Videoland, and if this guy could help them, she had to do whatever she could to get him to help. The Ultimate Warp would not have brought him if he could not.
"I'm Princess Lana." she said.
Kevin turned to face her. His eyes widened involuntarily. He looked over her whole body, and that was beautiful enough; but what got him the most were her beautiful eyes. He could tell that she was a wonderful person, and something compelled him to get to know her.
"I'm in love." he said quietly to himself, his eyes still wide open. He smiled and blushed. "I - I mean I'm Kevin."
Duke looked up at his human master and, with a noise of disapproval, shook his head.
"Where am I?" Kevin asked.
"Why, you're in Videoland." Lana said. She pointed at the Ultimate Warp. "The Ultimate Warp Zone brought you here."
"Oh, sure, like he knows what Videoland and the Ultimate Warp Zone are." Samus said. "Hey, why is this universe called Videoland, anyway?"
Kevin was perplexed. "You mean like Warp Zone 4 in Super Mario Bros.?"
"Something like that." Lana replied.
"Huh?" Samus asked. "How do you know what he's talking about?"
"The legend foretold of you coming to help restore freedom to our world. That's why it gave you that Super Power Pad and Zapper." Lana said, pointing at them.
Kevin looked at his waist, and he now had a belt with the 'Super Power Pad' at the center and a holster for the Zapper on his right side. The Power Pad was in the shape of an original NES control pad, with the crosspad on the left and the two red buttons on the right. Across the top of the pad was a series of eight bright green lights that indicated the power level. They would darken to the left as the power in the Power Pad was used.
Kevin's perplexity was growing. "Me restore freedom to Videoland? Hey, I don't even have my driver's license yet," he said, then took out the Zapper, "and this is just a toy."
Carelessly, he pulled the trigger, knowing nothing would happen; but, to his surprise, a blue laser beam shot out and hit Simon. He was moving the thing upwards, so the beam went up and destroyed the chain holding one of the seashells. The seashell fell and almost hit Kid Icarus, who fell into Mega Man's arms; it smashed to pieces upon hitting the floor. Simon primped his hair and growled at Kevin.
"Why do you have giant seashells hanging from the ceiling?" Samus asked.
"This can't be happening to me!"
Irate, Kid Icarus flew over to Kevin and grabbed him by the collar. "Sure is, Kevinicus! It's happening to all of us!" He released Kevin.
"What is?" Samus asked. "Being pulled into another universe?"
"If you cannot help us," Lana told him with growing despair, "Mother Brain will conquer all of Videoland, and our freedom will be lost forever."
Kevin's common sense won out in this. He didn't see why he had to do anything for these people; so what if they were his favorite video game characters? They weren't real; he had probably just fallen asleep and was dreaming. Even if he was not dreaming, even if they were real, he still owed nothing to them. Little did he realize his importance in this kingdom.
"Hey! You've got the wrong guy." he informed them coldly. "I'm going home." He turned to the warp and motioned for Duke to follow. "Come on, Duke." The warp disappeared just before he got to the wall, so he walked right smack into the wall and then fell on his back. "Ugh!"
"Oh!" Lana gasped.
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Simon laughed. He put his hand on Lana's back gently. "There, there, don't worry, Princess. I'll save Videoland." He smiled sweetly at her, but this did little to console her.
Lana closed her eyes and began to cry. She turned Simon away and ran to a lift platform. It lifted her to the floor where her room was.
"Your Cuteness, wait!" He ran off to catch up with her.
Kid Icarus and Mega Man turned to Kevin, angry at him.
"You were her only hope, but you let her down!" Kid Icarus snapped. He flew away.
"You get a low score for this game!" Mega Man snapped. He left and caught up with his friend, Kid Icarus.
Kevin and Samus were left standing there.
"Sure, just leave us here!" Samus called after them. "Why did I bother joining this team?! You all ignore me anyway! It's like I'm not even here!"

In her luxurious room, Lana sat in front of her mirror. She took the photo she had of her father, Charles, who was King of Videoland and had been the ruler until Mother Brain banished him away to some other land.
"Oh, Father, the legend has failed us." she said sadly. "The one it brought is just not strong enough to meet the challenge." The lights dimmed again. "I've tried to lead our people since you disappeared, but I've failed you."

The evil Mother Brain and her lackeys were watching these events on the monitor in her lair on Metroid.
"Mm, mm, mm!" Mother Brain said. She turned from the screen to her two moronic servants, but she was speaking more to herself than to them. "Isn't that too bad? The Ultimate Warp Zone has drained the Palace's power, giving me a perfect opportunity to strike a fatal blow at the heart of Videoland! Eh, hee, hee, hee!" She now addressed the fools. "I have a job for you."
Eggplant Wizard automatically switched to his butter-up mode. "Anything you desire, my sweet potato!" He bowed ingratiatingly.
"Not you, Eggplant Wizard! King Hippo!"
Eggplant Wizard got on his fat belly and pounded the floor with his arms and tried to do so with his feet, but his belly was too large and his legs too short. "No fair!" he whined. "It's my turn! He got to do your last evil deed!"
Mother Brain took him by the neck with her right tentacle. "Let me tell you why." she said in medium volume. She began squeezing his neck a little bit, and he began struggling somewhat. "Because you mussed up the last time, you incompetent vegetable!" she shouted. She then tossed him across the room; he popped vegetables behind as he flew into the wall. She turned to King Hippo and addressed him more kindly. "King Hippo, go to the Palace and punch out their defenses. Then, kidnap the Princess, and bring her to me!"
King Hippo had been watching the interchange between Mother Brain and Eggplant Wizard, and it prompted him to do his best to obey her. "Heh, heh! Don't worry, Your Disgustiness! I'll be back with that chick before you can give me a ten-count! Heh, heh!" During this, he had been backing his way out to the door. When he finished this statement, he backed into the wall. He turned and cautiously exited.
Mother Brain turned to Eggplant Wizard, who was lying on the floor in front of her. "And you, go with him, you brainless idiot!"
Eggplant Wizard got up. "Yes, Your Sugar-Beetness!" He turned to the door and sped up his little feet. "Yes, yes!" He ran out after King Hippo, leaving vegetables behind.
Mother Brain turned to the monitor, which again showed her troops around the Palace of Power. "Without the Princess to lead them, it won't be long before all of those video worlds fall under my control." the wicked cerebral cortex said. "Then, I'll be the beautiful Queen of Videoland! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" she laughed maniacally.

In the Target Practice room of the Palace of Power, Kid Icarus flew over to Simon and Mega Man. "Poor Princess!" Kid Icarus said with concern. "She's very much upseticus!"
Mega Man was equally as concerned. He turned to Simon. "We must cheer her up."
Simon cracked his whip, the tip of which combed his hair for him. He got out his portable mirror and looked at himself quite egotistically. "Don't fret your little mega mind. There's only one person who can cheer up the Princess, and I'm looking at him." He put his whip away, twirled his mirror, and put it away. "Let's see; there should be a lift around here somewhere." He located the correct lift. "There it is!"
He stood on it, and it took him up to the floor with Lana's room.

In the Throne room, Kevin was sitting on the throne, talking to his dear pet. "There's gotta be some way out of this crazy world."
Duke made a whining noise.
"Come on, Duke. If that Princess got us into this mess, maybe she can get us out." Kevin got up and went to find Princess Lana's room.

Elsewhere in the Palace, Mother Brain's minions arrive in search of the Princess.

King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard arrived on a floor in the Palace of Power, which was, unfortunately, where the Princess' room was. King Hippo was smashing down walls to make their way through the Palace. The obese boxer arrived in a hall with many rooms; he turned and saw Simon approaching while whistling, then ducked back into the wall.
Eggplant Wizard stepped out blindly into the hallway. "How do we know which door leads to the Princess?" King Hippo grabbed him by the cape and pulled him out of the hall. "Ack!"
King Hippo watched from hiding as Simon walked by, whistling, his eyes closed, to Princess Lana's room.
"Ha, ha! Simple!" the boxer laughed. "Simon will lead us to her."
Simon walked straight to the door to Lana's room and knocked. "Yoo-hoo! Princess, darling! It's me - Simon Belmont!" He put his ear to the door.
"Just a minute!" Lana's voice snapped in irritation. Simon smiled to himself.
King Hippo sneaked up behind Simon with a large bag and bagged the vampire hunter, then tied him up.
"Uh..." Eggplant Wizard muttered, not understanding what King Hippo was going to do.
King Hippo took Simon to a warp chute that led to another section of the Palace.
"Ha, ha!" the boxer laughed. "This should warp him out of town for a while!" He forced Simon into a fetal position, tossed him into the chute, then rubbed his hands.
Eggplant Wizard smiled at what his comrade had done; the warp burped, and King Hippo thought it was Eggplant Wizard who had done so.
He bopped Eggplant Wizard in the head. "Excuse yourself, you pig!"
The two ran back to the door to Lana's room and flanked it.
"Sh!" King Hippo said.
Eggplant Wizard's eye narrowed so that he was making a venomous smile.
The doors opened from the inside, and Lana emerged. "Okay, Simon. What do you - " The instant Lana discovered something was wrong, King Hippo grabbed her and silenced her by holding his gloves over her mouth. "Mmph!" She struggled against his grasp, but to no avail.
King Hippo dragged her back into her room, and Eggplant Wizard entered and closed the door to assist in packaging the Princess.
Seconds later, Kevin arrived and knocked on the door. "Uh, Your - Your Highness?" He heard her humming from inside; he knocked again. "It's me, Kevin. I need to talk to you!"
Within, King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard were wrapping Lana up in a heavy carpet.
"Quick, think of somethin'!" King Hippo said quietly.
"Me?" Eggplant Wizard asked quietly. "Uh, I'm just an incompetent vegetable!"
"Is everything all right in there?" Kevin's voice asked.
"Er, uh..." King Hippo said, "...yuh, yes, yes, everything's just fine, thank you." he finished in falsetto voice.
"Can I come in?"
"Uh, no." Hippo continued in falsetto. "No! Go away! I'm not decent! Hoo, hoo, hoo!"
Eggplant Wizard was holding the Princess. "You can say that again!" he said very quietly.
"Pipe down!" King Hippo snapped. Eggplant Wizard dropped Lana, and, with his hands at his ears, he stuck out his dark-green tongue at King Hippo, who had looked away to the door.
Kevin was very suspicious. It was not in his nature, but he definitely knew something was wrong. He drew his Zapper. "Something funny's going on, Duke." He vaporized the door with the Zapper and ran into the room. King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard were ready to take away the Princess. "Princess Lana!" He recognized the two villains: Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo. "Put her down!"
"Heh, heh! Whatever you say!" King Hippo laughed. He and Eggplant Wizard tossed the wrapped-up Princess at Kevin and knocked him onto his back.
Growling, Duke pulled at the shoestring on King Hippo's left shoe.
"Hey! Hey, get away, mutt! Get off - " Duke popped the shoestring; King Hippo's struggling caused him to fall back during a gasp and onto Eggplant Wizard, causing more vegetables to pop out of his companion!
"Oof!" Eggplant Wizard cried. "Get off of me!"
Lana was still struggling.
"Cut it out!" Kevin cried. He uncovered her face. "It's me, Kevin!" She was relieved to see him.
Eggplant Wizard reached behind himself and pulled veggies out.
Lana saw this. "Kevin! Look out!"
Eggplant Wizard juggled the veggies, then tossed a lethal tomato at Kevin.
Kevin pressed "Left" on his new Power Pad. He zipped to his right, and the tomato popped harmlessly onto the wall.
"Whoa!" he exclaimed. "This Super Power Pad is too cool!"
Eggplant Wizard formed a banana pistol with holster and belt on himself near the 'waist.' "If you think you're so good, human, try to outdraw me!"
"Anytime you're ready!" Kevin said, accepting the challenge.
He reached down to the Zapper, Eggplant Wizard down to the banana pistol. They watched each other closely. Kevin's eyes narrowed slowly, then Eggplant Wizard's quickly. Then, Eggplant Wizard quickly drew and shot Kevin with the banana pistol, whose projectile banana sealed Kevin inside a large banana peel!
The villains dragged Lana away.
"Kevin, help!" she cried.
Duke peeled the banana and freed Kevin, who popped out with his Zapper ready.
"All right! That's it! You guys are toast!" He looked around. Eggplant Wizard, King Hippo, and Princess Lana were nowhere in sight. "Lana! Oh, no. She's gone." Kevin and Duke left the bedroom and looked down the hallway. "Princess! Come on, Duke."

Kid Icarus and Mega Man were barricading a door from the outside so that Mother Brain's minions could not get in.
Samus walked over to them. "What the fuck are you doing?"
"Barricading the dooricus." Kid Icarus told her.
"Yeah, I'm sure that furniture is gonna keep out an army of hundreds - if not thousands - of soldiers." Samus said sarcastically.
Kevin and Duke arrived.
"Kid Icarus! Mega Man! Samus! We've got to find the Princess!" Kevin cried.
Kid Icarus gave Kevin the thumbs-up with his right hand. "Don't worry us maximus! She's safe with Simon!" He heard Simon's scream approaching.
A warp opened above the door and dumped the sack with Simon in it onto the floor. After hitting the floor with a loud thud, Simon popped his head out of the bag.
"Simon, the Princess has been kidnapped!" Kevin exclaimed. "If we don't find her, I may never be able to get back home!"
"The Princess probably has never even heard of this prophecy until just a short while ago." Samus told him. "And even if she has, what does it matter? Just ask...whatever the fuck that is to send you home."
Simon de-bagged himself.
"We'll start searchin' immediately!" Kid Icarus said. When he attempted to leave, though, Simon grabbed him.
"Not so fast!" Simon said. He held Kid Icarus facing him. "As the highest-ranking officer of Her Highness's court,...not to mention her dearest friend,...I shall give the orders." He put his left foot on a box. "Mega Man, shine my boots. Kid Icarus, I could use a little trim. Not too much off the top, however."
"What the fuck?!" Samus asked. "The Princess has been kidnapped! Stop wasting time! Let's go get her!"
Simon smiled, his eyes closed, ignoring Samus, as Mega Man very, very rapidly shined his boot. Soon, Simon smelled smoke and looked down at his boot, which was so hot it was red.
"How's this for a shine?" Mega Man asked.
"Yow!!!" Simon cried. Holding his left foot, he leapt about the room in pain.
Kid Icarus took his rain arrow and caused a shower over Simon. After being dampened, Simon was not amused. He stormed over to Kid Icarus and Mega Man, and he promptly started arguing with the two of them. He accused them, while they both accused him.
"Hit the pause, guys!" Kevin said. On his Power Pad, he pressed the one of the two rectangular buttons that was closer to the crosspad, and this froze the three fighting N Team members and Samus. "No wonder Videoland's losing the war! These guys are just fighting themselves. We've got to rescue the Princess." He hit the same button again and unfroze the four.
Samus frowned at Kevin. "I don't enjoy being frozen in place!"
Kevin ignored her. "Simon, get me a map of Videoland."
Simon walked over to Kevin and put his right hand on Kevin's left shoulder. "Simon Belmont takes orders from only one person - " He indicated himself with his right thumb. " - ahem, Simon Belmont. I'll lead us to the fair Princess, but first, I'll need a map." He removed a metal cylinder from his backpack; the cylinder grew into a map on legs. "Hm. Whoever abducted the Princess is obviously taking her back to Mother Brain on Metroid." He pointed to a loop on the right side of the map, near a blue circle labeled 'M'. "There's a warp zone right here that'll take us directly to her."
"No, it won't." Kevin interrupted plainly.
"I beg your pardon?" Simon demanded indignantly.
"Look, I've played this game a hundred times." He indicated a loop on the left side of the map, near a yellow circle labeled 'I'. "This is the warp to Metroid."
"Wrong, warp brain; it's this one." Simon said egotistically, pointing to the loop he had been indicating.
"No way!"
Simon smiled genially. "Tell you what! I'll flip you for it." He removed a coin from his pocket. "Heads we go my way, tails we go yours."
"I've got a better idea." Samus told them. "Kevin picked the right warp. It leads to Metroid. I know. Shut up and follow me."
"Hey, you're not our leader!" Simon yelled at her.
"Maybe not, but I know what the fuck I'm doing!" Samus yelled back. "If you don't wanna follow me, then I'll rescue the Princess myself and convince her to kick you off of this team!"
Simon gritted his teeth. "Fine!"
Samus walked off to a warp, and Kevin, Duke, Simon, Mega Man, and Kid Icarus followed her.

In Mother Brain's lair on Metroid, King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard held Lana steady in front of Mother Brain.
"You won't get away with this, Mother Brain." Lana warned. "My warriors will rescue me."
"Of course, my little Princess,...just like they rescued your father! Hee, hee, hee, hee!" Mother Brain laughed. "Now that you're both out of the way, Videoland will soon be mine!"
Mother Brain opened a sucking warp above Lana. Hippo and Eggplant released the Princess, and she was sucked screaming up into the tallest tower on Metroid. The trap door closed beneath her, and she landed on it. Suddenly, a door opened, and a large monster with spikes on its back emerged with a staff to guard her.
Lana gasped. She went to the barred window. "You'll pay for this, Mother Brain!"
Princess Lana looked despondently from her tower prison. Then, as her hope was fading, she noticed Kevin, Samus, Simon, Mega Man, Kid Icarus, and Duke approaching the tower, and she gasped.
"Thanks!" Kevin praised Samus.
"Don't thank me yet." Simon said, no end to his conceit in sight. "I still have to rescue the Princess."
"Speaking of Her Highnicus," Kid Icarus said, "look!" He pointed up to the tower, where Lana was waving toward the heroes.
"Ah." Simon said dreamily. "Just like in the fairy tales! The handsome hero will rescue the fair Princess from the impenetrable tower!"
Kevin was unimpressed. "Simon." he said warningly. "We've gotta do this as a team, remember?"
He, Duke, Samus, Kid Icarus, and Mega Man moved towards the tower.
"Ah! A team! Of course." He spritzed some breath spray into his mouth. But as the others moved towards the tower, Simon sneaked off to a well. "Sorry, Captain Nuisance, but no one shall come between Princess Lana and her loving Simon Belmont. This warp zone will take me straight into her arms." It was only after he had jumped in that he realized that this was not a warp! "Aaah!" he cried as he fell into the water.
The group stopped near the tower. "Mega Man, give me a hand." Kevin instructed. "That looks like an opening."
He put one foot into Mega Man's hands, and Mega Man propelled him upwards at a very high speed. As he soared through the air, Kevin screamed. He fell through the roof of the tower, and he landed on and squashed Lana's guard into video dust.
Lana turned towards him and smiled in delight. She ran to him, and they embraced each other.
"I thought you didn't want to have anything to do with Videoland." she said.
"I'm sorry I didn't take you seriously before." he replied. "I couldn't believe that this was real."
She shook her head as they released each other. "Oh, it is I who should apologize to you."
Samus, Mega Man, Kid Icarus, and Duke broke into the room.
"Don't worry about it, Princess." Kevin said.
Suddenly, the door the group had used shut tight! Lana gasped.
"Huh?!" Kevin yelled in surprise, looking at the door.
Mega Man struggled to open it again, but to no avail. He shrugged. "We're locked in."
Then, the hologram of the ugliest being in Videoland appeared to them. "So, this is what the Ultimate Warp Zone has sent to defeat me, huh?" she asked, addressing Captain N.
He was instantly angry with her for all that she had put Lana and Videoland through.
"We'll see just how good you are when you try to survive...the corridors of Metroid! Eee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!"
Unfortunately, Kevin, Lana, Samus, and Duke were all perfectly positioned on the trap door! It opened and dumped the four into the center of Metroid. They landed prostrate.
Kevin looked up and gasped as a monster dove down towards him. He ducked as the monster flew over, but when it returned, he shot it with a Zapper blast. The four got up and ran. They climbed up on platforms to a higher level, and he blasted a flying monster that came after them. Then, two ugly blue critters chased them all around. They confused the pair of monsters into falling into the lava when they leapt across some moving platforms. As they were running, a fireball came at them. They went to another series of platforms and went down, and they evaded the ball. Kevin blasted another flying thing that came at them. Finally, the foursome arrived at a door. Kevin twirled his Zapper and shot a hole in the door, and they all went through.
"We did it! We made it through!" he exclaimed.
"Mother Brain!" Lana cried, seeing the evil brain and her two minions.
"No problem!" Kevin said with confidence. He aimed and tried to fire, but no beam emerged from the Zapper! "Huh?" He looked down at the Power Pad. "Aw, I'm out of power!"
Mother Brain was sadistically happy about the situation. "And you're out of time, too! One human alone could never defeat me!" She laughed quite maniacally.
Suddenly, something burst in the ceiling, and Simon Belmont swung down and landed on the floor. "Maybe not alone, Mother Brain, but we can defeat you as a team!" he announced heroically.
Then, Mega Man burst a hole in the wall, and he entered, followed by Kid Icarus. Mother Brain was unpleasantly surprised to see the entire N Team assembled before her.
"Get them!" she commanded her minions.
Eggplant and Hippo moved towards the N Team. Simon swung his whip at the imbeciles, but Hippo grabbed the end.
"Ha!" the boxer exclaimed. "What're you going to do now, dude?"
"I'm not going to do anything," Simon declared, "but my whip is going to whop you!"
Simon's live whip tied up King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard, who were screaming to be let out. King Hippo fell over onto the wizard, causing vegetables to pop out.
"Oh, brother." Mother Brain said, dismayed at her idiots' utter lack of intelligence. She turned to the team and grinned wickedly. "I'll deal with you myself!"
Kid Icarus flew up to her and fired an arrow at a lever, causing her to spin around uncontrollably!
"Oh, no!" Her jar was now a blur, and electricity fired everywhere.
"Quick! Into the warp zone!" Kevin said, noticing a warp out of Metroid. "It's too dangerous to finish her off!"
"What?!" Samus asked in surprise. "I can shoot her a few times and kill her off!"
"No, Samus!" Lana told her. "Into the warp!"
"You may have stopped me this time, Princess, but next time, I'll be stronger than ever!" Mother Brain vowed. Her voice was now high, squeaky, and twice as fast, due to the spinning.
"So will we, Mother Brain." Lana vowed. "So will we."

Later, at the Palace of Power...

At the Palace, Kevin, Samus, Lana, Mega Man, Kid Icarus, and Duke went into the Throne room.
"Um,...what happened to Mother Brain's huge army?" Samus asked.
"Huh?" Lana asked.
"You know,...the one that was laying siege on your home for the past seven years?" Samus asked. "What happened to it? Where did it go?"
"Kevin did it." Lana declared.
"Kevin didn't do a fuckin' thing." Samus disputed. "All he did was get us to Metroid. Kid Icarus caused Mother Brain to start spinning around really fast. Why she even had a device to allow that to happen, I have no clue. Anyway, how does that translate to Mother Brain's army disappearing? Did they just get bored and leave?"
"Let's not dwell on such things." Lana told her. "Let's just accept our good fortune." Lana sat on her throne and addressed Kevin. "The legend may have been right about you after all, Captain N."
Kevin smiled. "Yeah, well...I was just...lucky, I guess." he said, underestimating his abilities.
"That's true." Samus agreed. "The Ultimate Warp Zone brings a teenager here, and we're supposed to believe that he's the chosen one?! Please! How do we know that he's a good warrior or even a good athlete? He sits around and plays video games!"
"Personally, I wasn't lucky at all." Simon said. "No, it was skill and razor-sharp timing that allowed me to rescue you and save Videoland from that evil - "
Lana put her hand over his mouth to prevent him from finishing. "Thank you, Simon." she interrupted. She stood up and faced Kevin. "We're indebted to you, and to the rest of you as well." Duke barked. She rubbed his head. "You, too, Duke." She turned to Kevin. "And as for you, you may have helped me win the battle, but the war is far from over. You will stay and help defend Videoland, won't you?"
Kevin assumed a remorseful look. "Sorry, Your Highness, but I've got to get back to my world."
Duke barked, nodding in agreement.
Lana was saddened by this decision, but she agreed. They returned to the Ultimate Warp.
The warp opened as the group approached.
Simon was eager to be rid of Kevin. "Yes. Well, it was very nice of you to drop by." he said. He waved good-bye. "Do come back and visit us soon in, say, twenty years?"
Kevin turned back for one final look at the group and turned to the warp. He was about to pass through when...
"Kevin?" his mother called scoldingly. "You'd better not be playing that foolish game! You have homework to do. And don't forget to take out the trash!"
Kevin's look betrayed quite easily that he did not want to go back to face these unpleasant chores, but no one could read it because no one was facing him. He backed away from the warp.
"On second thought," he said, "I guess I could stay just a little while longer."
Lana came up to him. He looked back to her over his left shoulder, and she kissed him on his left cheek. Simon gasped, horrified.
"Let's face it. I'm hooked!" Kevin twirled his Zapper and fired it off towards an unimportant part of the ceiling.
"I thought you were out of power." Samus said.
"Okay, let's get this place cleaned up." Lana told them.
"Don't you have servants?" Samus asked her.
"No." Lana replied. "They ran away. Kevin, you'll bunk with Simon."
"Why?" Samus asked. "They hate each other. There are who-knows-how-many rooms in this fuckin' place."
"Fine, Samus, you pick a room that you like." Lana told her. "And please don't say the 'f' word."
"The 'f' word?" Samus asked.
"Yes." Lana said. "We don't swear."
"You're a bunch of sissies." Samus told them.
"Are not!" Kevin countered.
Samus sighed. "Why did I bother coming here?"